Yourself? : hello~

Gah. More of Kenneth's writing!

Went to my grandfather's tomb again today. The cemetary is a beautiful and scenic place...we should go there to take photos one day...
Tried envisioning the lives these people once had...How they loved, how they lived, whether or not they were good or bad. Are they remembered? Forgotten? Unknown?
Whatever it is, they are all under the ground now. Some souls perhaps in heaven, some perhaps just floating around...
It's a peaceful place. Let's go visit some old cemetaries one day, and see what stories we may find...

HAHAHAHA

I have found a place with amusing pictures of some friends. It involves a Swedish-Singapore exchange programme.

for one

"If I could do what I want to do, I'd turn into a bird and fly to freedom."

[NB: Eyes have been blackened out to protect the identities of the guilty...]

Hee hee hee.

There's a pic of Act Cute 2's sister there too!

Who didn't want to save the world at one point in time or another? Who didn't want to correct various grievous wrongs in the world or change a part of the world to make it a more pleasant place to live in? But when you actually get to the ground level and see how everything is interlinked, you just see how hard it is to do (read: hard, but not impossible), and to your horror you realise that these courses of action will have other implications elsewhere.

Hey, I really hope they can resolve all this Middle East crap without any trouble, but a quick visit to Plastic.com showed me otherwise. There really is just no way to do so without bloodshed.

I've considered espionage before, and if I had the know-how I would've been the one to do it - a group of unknown espionage agents with international anonymity, who somehow manage to sneak into all of Iraq's mass-destruction weapons compounds and neutralise every single missile, thus bringing a peaceful end to the conflict.

Nah, I don't wish to pursue the topic. And I probably don't even have to point out all the flaws in the above paragraph - I'll bet all of you are laughing by now. The thing is, thinking about saving the world is 1% of the battle won, overcoming the cynicism that overwhelms you when you consider all the factors against your course of action is another 1%, and the rest is actually getting your plan to work. Hell, even Mother Theresa's diary showed obvious signs of her distress and faithlessness from all her work with the poor and needy and hungry.

what's this? someone else who wants to save the world? shoudl i confess that sometimes i feel that way, feel so disgusted with the superficiality that has become a way of life? or shoudl i remark, offhand, very blase, that y'know, i used to feel that way, but _thank goodness_ it only comes back in fits of sentimentality every now and then and that the rest of the time i'm mature and cool and calm?

oh yeah right. i'll fess up, or just enough to say that i can't stop smiling, i carry the hope, and .. i want to teach the world to live again. i want to show them that they're doing it all wrong, that life shouldn't have to be so fake and forced. want to be a martyr, want to shout it out and do random things - want to light up the world.

Kenneth has influenced Screwed Up Girl's writing!

Hmmz... Arguments always sound best when it's not made by you.
Find Man, Lose Him, Repeat Cycle

Quote:
"Friends begin to suggest that you consider "taking some time" to "focus on yourself," "reevaluate your priorities" and "heal."

Should you listen?

First, ask yourself who is doling out the advice. Chances are these people fall into one of three categories: single people who don't have your many opportunities and would sooner eat their own livers than see you fall in love again, single people in desperate need of other lonely single people to fill up their free time, and miserable couples with a stake in your unhappiness. Angrily reject their guidance, taking the opportunity to list their many failings in the arena of love and romance. Be sure to point out to them they are just jealous, as they may not be aware of it."
Sighz.. I can think of at least 2 people like that. Of course, it's all in jest...quite a satirical article.

Now I know why so many Jap Rockers are described as "Beautiful"

Relooked up my TheSpark's personality test. The last line made me laugh rather badly.

Quote:
"In relationships, it's easy for you to get hurt. Avoid all kinds of dominant (D***) people, *especially* in dating or marriage. You are a motherly figure, even if you're a guy. If you're a girl, make sure you're a mom some day. The world's children need people like you. If you're a guy, don't even think about it. Most pedophiles are HEALERS."

Woke up this morning and stumbled out of bed. Was really tired and comatose.
Been working myself too hard, trying too hard, and wondering whether or not to pursuit my dreams or not.
As Gabriel always said, I wanted my cake and eat it. The whole of it. - a future loving relationship, academic excellence, compassion, beauty, brains, all of it. And I had to work for it.
So now I'm so very very tired from the indigestion of it all.

Went to the bathroom and after I just got out of the bath, still dripping wet, I could hear shouts from a neighbour's house. Another one of
those domestic quarrels...But to me suddenly it wasn't just any domestic quarrel, to me it was a sudden burst of inspiration again to want to
right all the social problems in the world.
Naive, insane but nonetheless me.
Suddenly I realized why I was working so hard, striving so hard, and why I even started on this crazy ambition to do well in every single aspect of my life.

The screams and cries of the little child just made me stop short of wiping myself dry. I couldn't move for about 5 mins. I was just totally paralysed.
Totally horrified at the insensitivity of the world that is too used to going "It is none of my business, it is none of your business. Why should we care?"
But we do care you see...is it possible to not care? Isn't it a very human emotion to care? Isn't that how God created us?

I could hear every single lament of the raving mad and incoherent wife/mother. She was screaming at her husband apparently, who didn't raise his voice. But I guess
that he had no right to. From the shouts apparently he was having some affair and only came back at about 5 am in the morning.
But then the person who was really crying his/her eyes out was this child! It was the kid dammit! And well, at last he did speak up. Just one shout "Just stop it will you?!"

And then I just got so freaking pissed but still just stood in the bath, not moving. Just thinking.
It is a rather weird thing to be affected by another family's quarrels and abuse. But the even weirder thing was that I felt my old gift coming back. The gift to always be able to see all sides of a story, happy or sad. To feel the whelve of emotions and thoughts coming from every single person in the family who was suffering and to "hear" their sides of the story. That gift that is usually only used for putting both sides of an argument down during a GP essay...

I distinctly heard the sound of a cane.
But that just isn't the point.
So I am different from the rest of the Singaporean population in that I actually cared? Am I?
Why did God create me in such a way, that I had to care so much that my eyes grow so sad.

The point is that I'm still working hard for an impossible cause.
But I guess I can relate you see...thing was I was rather...different.
I never cried out for help when I was a child. It was just all inside, in the tears and those sad mature eyes, too old for my age.

And thus I'm going off to school again...that plodding path, just so that perhaps one day I'd be capable enough to help.
If not the whole world, then maybe just a few people. I think that's what God wants me to do...

Suddenly I realize why Singaporeans smile so little on the streets (they actually just want to keep all the unhappiness and resentment inside don't they? They don't want other people knowing about their broken marriages/families or sad lives)
and why I'm always grinning like some stupid idiot even when I'm depressed.
It's because I still hope for so much. They go through shit as well, and then most give up, resigned to the world and their unhappy, unsatisfactory lives.
Yeah, even after all that shit in my life I still hope for so much. I am such an idiot.

Do all of you hope as well? What are your plans for your future? Does anyone else actually even want to right the wrong in this world?

hum. no comment.

Aha!

I knew it. You've linked to me before!

The thing is, wheel mice were working fine, I see no reason why it should just suddenly screw up on me.

And oh, I thought mating could be conducted against the will of the female in dragonflies too?

Yes! David Court. Haha.

Install the Microsoft Intellimouse driver for wheel mice to work on your system.

"Thought pigs gained pleasure from sex too?" - I think it's the 30 minute orgasm you're thinking of. The research is often cited for dolphins and humans but we rarely see the citation. Apparently only in humans and a certain species of spider can a mating be conducted against the will of the female. *shrug*

There are species of animals that mate for life, so. And others that just: wham, bam, thank you ma'am.

AHHHHH! cRap music! No...

Hey hey hey relax, it's not out yet...Will have to wait a little longer =) release date in US is 16th Feb I think...not too sure about Singapore. 768 pages in 2 days? On our kind of schedule? Kinda impossible if you ask me...

Nope. pigs have the longest periods of orgasm (30 minutes! Am I right, trivialists?) but they don't experience any real pleasure from it - no electrochemical signals in their pleasure centres. Animals don't really get one-night stands - more like the way the Emperor takes girls - a few everyday. But at least they're organised - they do it only during the mating season (we humans don't really have such a thing, unless it's called Valentine's Day).

Some animals stick to one sex partner (e.g. birds), others have entire clans (lions, tigers, etc). As a general rule any animal that actually builds a nest probably has a family with 2 parents.

Well...should I try having a discussion with rap? Like the format, but wanna push it further.
8 Mile! 8 Mile!

Some people say sex is the union of two souls,
Makin love, sharing a moment, yo baby, lets get it go.
Others just do it for the fun, like pissin, or taking a dump.
Biologically, it's just for reproduction. Logically, you've gotta use protection.

But livin in a utopian world's just like,
livin in a computer world damn tight.
With laws and conditions terms and contracts,
and people smilin at ya when you tip your hat.
What's the point of fuckin in a place like that,
They'd all go Thank You, Hey no sweat.
And when you're pissed, wanna let it all go,
They say, hey thanks for the party, you're just cool.
And no matter how you rage and whine,
Everybody's gonna pat you, and say, Hey man, it's all fine.
And you know it's not really fine at all,
When you shout "Screw them", and they say
"Please do!"
And slowly, unnoticably you're gonna think like them,
And spread your legs only like whores can.
And fuckin no longer gives you pleasure.
It's like a civic duty, made to measure.
And whenever you feel heat, a need to cool,
Just grab somebody of the streets and head to school.
Sex becomes nothing but a bodily act.
No meaning, no significance ain't no shit in that.
Well, you'd surely be laid, ten times? Twenty?
But I like my world, and that's a fact.

Oh dear. My posts got deleted when the computer hanged again. Dammit.

But I'll summarise what I wanted to say again, since it's Sunday and I'm in a rather good mood.

I'd like to see how this wise old tree-man David Court looks like. Maybe I should go check him out on the RI yr book.

Totally forgot about Harry Potter 5! How could I?! Must go buy the book now...goodness, how could I forget something that I've waited more than a year for?!

Harry Potter book are becoming too long for kids...but then again as the story progresses it's not that kiddy anymore...Think everyone on this blog would be able to finish 768 pages in a couple of days lar.

The view of the Singapore skies are probably most beautiful around the seaside or the esplanade... used to be beautiful from my window as well...The mesmerising sunset...that is, until they started constructing ugly tall buildings infront of me. SIGH. Damn industrialism...

I wish I could just leave the crumbling concrete slabs..but I can't. It's just not in my nature. Perhaps that's my special calling.

Thought pigs gained pleasure from sex too?
Oh yeah, you guys got me thinking again. Since animals don't exactly get married, they don't actually stick to only one sex partner right? If that's the case, then is it all just one-night stands for them? Do they have families? Remember those fairytales we read when we were young, about Mr & Mrs Beaver getting married and all and having families...Not all animals are like that right?

Er. Yeah. Tolkien's good stuff but his rambling narrative gets to me sometimes...NEVER going to finish the LOTR series!! *sobz*

I think that God is the only one who can help crumbling slabs of concrete..... I know so.

The Ents? The Ents reminded me of Mr. David Court back at RI. Kenneth might know him. That Treebeard scene made me and the scouts laugh so hard most of the theatre looked at us, because Treebeard is just...so...David Court-ish.

I don't know about Harry Potter 5. But I think at the current rate, Potter 7 would weigh as much as my school bag. 5 is 768 pages long.

I miss the sky...who remembers driving down M'sia's North-South highway and getting thsi feeling that the sky is actually round and hemispheric instead of flat and square like the same section we always see in Singapore? The entire stretch is haven; A whole lens of the sky, bounded only by rubber plantations on hills and the two ends of the higway stretching into the horizon.

Nope. kureshi used to be kuraijo, until his sis found out who kuraijo is.

And for no apparent reason my computer simply cannot detect wheel mice. One of those annoying details that pop unexpectedly into your life. So I'm resorting to a 2-button mouse. You just suddenly discover scrollbars all over again.

I'd leave crumbling concrete slabs to crumble further until they finally seek help. How else am I supposed to help them? People like that wouldn't accept your help even if you ask, so you'll just have to wait for them to. Or if you're brave enough, just hug him/her. No words needed. Magic.

Sex is something men and women do because it gives them pleasure, and lots of it. Other animals do it simply because it's hard-wired into their biological circuitry. In fact, the only other animal that gets pleasure from sex is the dolphin (as claimed by some marine biologists and otehr experts who've done research that I've actually never seen).

But in another sense, I suppose sex is something more exploratory. Like exploring your partner, finding out more about her *ahem* body (sorry, NC-16 post if you put it that way), finding out more about her likes and dislikes and fantasies and stuff. Like an extension of discovering your partner's personality. My opinion, anyway.

What is sex? Some people say sex is the union of two souls, making love, sharing a moment. Other's say sex is just a physical need. The search for physical satisfaction. But biologically, sex is the mechanism of creation. So we should examine all three aspects of sex... probably more if you can think of them, and see how utopian societies and dystopian societies would handle them.

hum. i'll try not to freeze. human ice cubes! lovely. actually, i think i've frozen my feet before, out tramping in the snow, and they were numb and VERY painful when soaked in hot water. they did come back to life though.

how about people who aren't crumbling, but just basically HORRIFICALLY irritating? i kind of know what kenneth's talking about.. bleh. that's why sometimes it's awkward to be nice..

tolkien's good stuff, by the way. don't dis tolkien : P

Oh, and guys do like young girls. I thought everyone knew that :)

Frostbite's worse than hypothermia. Well mild hypothermia anyway.

"Actually words are starting to fail me here. I can't explain what I see." - Erm. I think words failed you much earlier in the post. You tend to do that. Atavism.

Whoa~ don't get hypothermia dear... toes freeze pretty easily so you'd better just jump in totally and become an icecube or something :)... evenly frozen mmm mmmm...

Sighz... how would you people treat people who are actually crumbling away inside yet acting strong AND irritating on the outside? Do you push them so they crumble? Do you help them even though they're irritating. Do you just ignore them and leave them to crumble somemore? Would it be easier to crumble them first then rebuild them? I don't know. Humans are weird things... based on a really fascinating program. While self-esteem and self worth is still present, indicated by pride, it would be easier to increase self-esteem and decrease pride just by being friendly and helpful and praising the person. The person would have a better sense of increased self worth. But if a person has low self-esteem and no pride anymore, how would she go if you become a friend to her. Would she take you as a lover BECAUSE you represent all that's right with the world? Because you're her angel? Would her sense of self worth be entirely dependent on your approval, because she has no other way of obtaining approval from society? Would she even have a sense of pride in herself? Or attribute all that change she has undergone to her savior? And thus continue to think that she's nothing in this world.. Actually words are starting to fail me here. I can't explain what I see. Or think now. It's pretty obvious.. but there's no vocab for it. each sentence above has something missing... something that I've tried (rather awkwardly) to fix.

unreciprocated love is love what.

Is kureshii kuraishin? Nevermind.

Woah. Another rare girl who doesn't gush over Legolas.

Well we now know hobbits have Irish accents. Tolkien is overrated, incidentally, like Star Wars, Star Trek and love.

Invite away. We need more life. The keyboard I'm on now sucks too. As does the mouse and the chair.

"someone ought to come up with a word between like and love that you use for people who know the difference." - What - more than liking, less than loving?

orlando bloom. yeah right. he doesn't really do anything does he? even gimli has more character. namby pamby, eh? so if girls like older guys, does that men guys like younger girls? har har har har har. i feel evil. faramir was ghastly in the movie. he's supposed to do the aragorn thing - "no, little brother - keep the ring", not detain poor ole frodo and sam. gollum/smeagol is creepy. the voice! the voice is fun to speak. i need to go see the movie again so i can glean more lines off to freak people out with. (you should hear my take on the hampton the hampster dance song : D) aragorn has a cool voice. almost as good as jeremy irons (scar from the lion king.) merry and pippin have serious accents. didn't the ents looks a little cheesy? i didn't really expect the 'science center-tree' sort of great blinking eyes and mouth. that was .. not as well done.

kels, which charmaine? who's your lit teacher? risse getting anti-govt too? shall we invite her (if the others here don't mind?) this keyboard is horrific, notwithstanding its wirelessness. it's too soft and ... namby pamby. degeneration as in ..? people getting more promiscuous? lack of morals?

the next harry potter's coming out june or july. i actually discovered HP before the whole wacko wave started, and it wasn't that bad, but now that she's got all this pressure on her to create an amzing new instalment, i think it'll be overdone and not s good. [my a-key is slacking off.. bleargh!]

i just started learning to play the ukelele from one of those instruction books. should be interesting. maybe i'll upgrade to a guitar one day..

yeah the thing about america is there are barely any buildings higher than 2 or 3 stories. you can see so much more sky. and so many lawns in the summer. heck, even i have a lawn (front and back) (gotta tell you they're a pain to mow.) and the state parks.. lovely. when it snows, my neighborhood looks like a picture postcard. but it's cold.. i think yesterday -10�C. it's usually around 0. which reminds me, i signed up for the polar bear plunge feb 2nd. it's a benefit event for the special olympics, where you run into the sea wearing only a swim suit. heh heh. so, if you don't hear from me for a while..

someone ought to come up with a word between like and love that you use for people who know the difference.

Just watched 8 Mile... Really good movie... Eminem really can act.

From Merriam - Websters:

Utopia
2 often capitalized : a place of ideal perfection especially in laws, government, and social conditions

Dystopia
1 : an imaginary place where people lead dehumanized and often fearful lives
2 : ANTI-UTOPIA

Degeneration
2 : a lowering of effective power, vitality, or essential quality to an enfeebled and worsened kind or state
3 : intellectual, moral, or artistic decline
4 a : progressive deterioration of physical characters from a level representing the norm of earlier generations or forms b : deterioration of a tissue or an organ in which its function is diminished or its structure is impaired

Argument later.

I doubt I do...even if I do, I know not from where.

Disillusioned with the way the world looks? That's not the problem. the problem is when you actually see how hard it is to change things that you accept things the way they are and leave them the way alone. Like me. At such a young age teenagers should be bursting with energy, trying to change the world. But the education system has killed that in most people.

Sexual discrimination sounds like discriminating against people based on their sexual ability. Gender would be better word.

I think what happens to most people is they have a lack of words to replace "love" - or they don't have a thesaurus. Or perhaps it's just the stigma of having to tell someone the truth - that the feeling one has for anotehr is actually short of the abstract mark that tells one, this is love.

So, please don't mistake love for any of these things: infatuation, lust, unreciprocated love and brotherly/sisterly love.

kureshii, don't you know me? At least I think you do.

"actually, being unkind is fun. or it is until the aftertaste hits you." - or, in my case, till the repercussions hit you

Nobody likes Orlando Bloom. Or at least not as much as Legolas. Orlando looks so... mundane.

Extract from Balderdash on Legolas:

"Why do girls like Legolas? I suspect almost all girls like him. Perhaps the best analysis I received was this:

"Four reasons for this: the hair, the namby pambyness, the elfhood, and the hair, in that order of importance"

Apparently the hair is important for his cute elf boy looks. Well, seeing as he has nicer hair than most girls will ever have... He's over 3000 years old too, and since girls like older guys, his appeal in this area must be phenomenal :)

Legolas probably combines the best qualities of the old, chivalrous, monster-slaying male, and the SNAG - Sensitive New Age Guy, so. I just think he looks like a cute young gay toy boy! :)"

Kel, I'm amazed you managed to read the archives so far back. Industrious aren't you? At least it can be a sorta substitute for books!

"Sex" vs "Gender" - It's just semantics. Political Correctness never did anyone good.

hey bun
we miss you too.
(i miss you too).

--had to say that after reading your 13/1 entry.
a lot. i remember risse once said that she envied you. she really seems anti-government, you know. or at least anti-authority.

yes. i miss the criticising authority (and always having to hold back a bit since i was (and still am) a prefect). sigh. i miss the moelc bus trips. and our talks. remember our sleepover? i love you too.

bleargh. (that was picked up from andi).

at my age everyone is anti-parent.
or not really. but perhaps just disillusioned with the way the world works.

how do i want someone to show that the person loves me? --well. i guess. maybe picking up on my moods. and for what i give, give something back. balanced relationships and fair exchanges. sincerity. sometimes i don't give people things i feel they can't reciprocate, even if i want to give it to them. that's if i feel that they -will- try to reciprocate it, but won't be able to. and --i don't know, i would tend to think that it varies for different people because different people show things differently but that doesn't make it any less valuable. sigh. quite a personal question. it depends, you know. for friends, i like physical gestures, and yet not so for parents. i think we are getting estranged. i don't want it that way but after a while you get used to it then you don't dare open up to them anymore. i think i am very different from what they think i am. or stuff i believe in. probably generation gap. younger generations are more tolerant. i dunno.

i agree with kenneth: Love is meaningless if it is just a word used freely, if you love me, show me.

i dislike it when people say in casual notes, "i love you!!!" or sign off with "love, so&so" if i know that that can't be true since we are hardly close friends.
lotr? i liked faramir. and aragorn. yeah i agree that legolas is over-rated. (poseur!!!!) even if he is aesthetically pleasing. but on the whole the book is always better than the movie.

baos and i (and risse and charmaine, for those who know them) are doing this lit project: sexual degeneration in utopian/ dystopian societies. any contributions?

i realised that in yesterday's debate (finals--it's an inter-class thing), people kept saying sexual discrimination. would gender discrimination have beem a better choice of words?

i haven't been on in ages.

all these childhood memories. somehow reading them all, one realises how much more of a childhood you get in malaysia. other countries. maybe? --there's more space, more ice-kacang men and satay hawkers; it's more traditional and time passes slower and you live more. or that was my impression.

i lived in malaysia myself, from K2 to P3. about 3 years in selangor. i remember i really hated school there; every morning i used to cry in the car. it wasn't the education system or anything like that. perhaps it was just that age, because i went to a good school and i had good friends there, and lessons were quite interesting. i remember we did everything in malay, except english. it's sad that my command of the language has mostly deserted me now--i haven't spoken it in 6 years. it's a beautiful language, you know. it has a very rounded, slow-going kind of sound. i was actually given the option of taking it instead of chinese when i came back here in p3, but i suppose since chinese is a more widely-spoken language my mom picked that option. what i miss most about malaysia, i think, is the space. the way i could walk out of the house (yes, we could actually afford to live in a house there) to the park--it was a big park, and a proper park with green grass and children's swings and trees--not like the things you have here with rubber matting (or whatever they use) on the ground. i miss the 4-hour drive down to johor baru, and the rest-stops along the way, especially the one with the baskin robbins ice-cream shop. i wonder if it's still there. i miss the oil-palm plantations and the excavations into the hillsides and the mountains and the fact that places like awana and cameron highlands and fraser's hill and langkawi and pangkor island were just a short flight or a drive away. sure, singapore is justs next door and our size isn't enough to warrant an extra hour tagged onto the flight/ drive, but it's different. the whole going out of the country, passport thing.

Stop harping criticism on Legolas. He's really Orlando Bloom in Legolas disguise. When people gush and drool and stuff, they're really yearning for Orlando, not Legolas. He probably has sharper ears and looks more elvish than Orlando does. Personally I don't think Orlando looks very much elvish at all. Remove the blond wig and you can hardly see the elf in him.

i don't even know any of you, except gerri, and baos and kels who are never on anyway.
i love baking. will defend it till the nice gingerbread men in white coats come and take me away.

legolas... is overrated. long-haired blond kid with a bow who 'skateboards' down the steps.. yeah really. now see, the ones with real character are aragorn and good old sam. frodo is extremely irritating. gollum is.. schizo but fun to watch and to speak..

handphone? i don't have a handphone.. any more. used to, but then i left. smses are fun. actually, being unkind is fun. or it is until the aftertaste hits you.

all you need is love~ beatles rock.

Yep =) Cookies and brownies are really nice, but they give me sore throats =P

I'm jsut feeling - weird - posting here because the only person I know here is Kenneth, and even so, probably by name and face only. But it's liberating, telling stuff to people you hardly know and probably will never recognise in RJC (apart from Kenneth in my case).

You know, this is reminding me of the Fight Club (yep, that Brad Pitt movie). The first rule of the fight club is that you don't talk about the fight club. It's like outside of our personal lives, once we reach the school compounds, we just instantly shut up about our blogs and their contents, save for maybe the occasional praise or request for blog address.

But I like it that way.

Baking goodies to share with friends and loved ones who appreciate it gives a very warm and fuzzy feeling =) And I'm sure most guys love girls who can bake right?
Legolas is just elvish romantic wonder, able to send all young elffy-boppers into rapture at a ray of sunlight reflecting from his luscious locks of hair, and tinkling elvish accent.

Dearest Kenneth, you really should start telling me things. Sometimes I get the inkling that you're not too happy about some things you see, but I'm not sure, and thus don't do anything. And sometimes I'm afraid to ask as well...so very afraid to love you.
It is a very human and common thing to do to say mean things about people you don't really know. Perhaps it comes from the fact that people are scared of the unknown. I have learnt to forgive easily. Ofcourse forgetting isn't that easy, but I can forgive =) You should too.
We are all becoming overly dependent on our handphones. They have become so much a part of us, a constant pocket companion ( it's like carrying your friends in your pocket;being able to sms them anytime), that it's as if you're missing something without it around.

I don't like sitting with someone during breaks you know...I've been waiting for you to ask me to sit with you since sch started but you didn't ask so I didn't dare!!! We should start eating lunch together. Shit. I'm not even sure when your lunch breaks are!

Who says you're not the first person I wish to see in the morning?...you're the first person I think of when I first open my eyes in the morning and the last person I think of before I sleep...

What's with girls and cooking? Especially baking? And Legolas?

Use fluorescent light purple sparkly perfumed paper with milky pink glow in the dark ink! The epitome of Screwed Up-ness!

"Back to the dreaming. It was some game where the play and reality was real. We'd talk about the way we act as if it was something that truly happened, like history. And we would see everything we did in vivid detail. in those comic pop up boxes. And then we'd pass the performances around, and everybody would add their own bits to it. And it was amazing the way the actors just flowed from one emotion to the next. From one personality type to another." - I know dreams are supposed to be confusing, but yours take the cake.

I keep telling everyone to backup their posts before posting but does anyone listen to me? Noooooooooo. Actually my own posts are hardly ever swallowed despite (or maybe because) of backup-ing. The fates are cruel.

What's the Geraldine mistake?

As I always say, Love is overrated. Grossly. And people dwell on it too much. Including those who should know better.

Hmmz... I've been unkind again. It's quite a recent theme. Don't really know why. Perhaps it's just all the troubles and stuff happening lately. Gotta lighten up. Gotta be nicer again. Apologies here to all the people I've offended. Especially Dear Dear Geraldine. I love you too dear. Really very very much at times. But then, sometimes I just see something I don't like to see. And then I'd just rather let the love die, and rather think of you fairly.

Anyway... Lost my phone today. Probably left it in the car. Called but nobody picked up. Who would anyway? Perhaps I was hoping for a shred of good luck. Blehz. Ma went mad at me again, cos I didn't really wanna talk to her, and she was being rather nice and chatty. Still, when we were nearing RJ, and she realized I wasn't quite interested in whatever she was talking about (see I already forgot.) she started ranting at her again. And that's perhaps the reason why I'm so pissed. How can you say such things about people you've never met? And then call people names, and insult people because they happen to fit into one of the horror stories you've heard from your friend.

But then again, sometimes I wonder if this will turn out to be a horror story. Hmmz. But then I console myself by saying,

I am but an actor on the stage. It is the playwright who decides my fate.

: ) I'd really love to be in a relationship with you dearie. But you do make it so hard sometimes.

Anyway.. almost went crazy today without my phone. Kept checking for something that wasn't there. Worrying about what if someone messages me, and it was urgent. Or how she could possibly be waiting for me near the backgate, and I didn't appear. But then again, who am I to her? Anyway... can't wait to get back to see if my phone's in the car. Hope she doesn't think I'm just having a tantrum or something. Would she?

Gotta go... do the damn dicot chart... Somehow the DELL PCs in the media centre are nice to type to. Nice to talk to.

And she says she loves me. Always repeating that word.
But what's in a word?
I can't be fed on the letters L-O-V-E,
nor find satisfaction in the geometry of the lines,
nor enjoy it's 1.5 syllabic sound, though it does sound fair
when spoken of gently.

Love is meaningless if it is just a word used freely,
if you love me, show me.

Or when we have common breaks, and she'd rather sit with someone,
who argues, depresses, insults and scolds her,
than me, who is often very free, and nice.
Is that love?

Hmmz...
If someone says she loves me more than anything in the world,
and says she misses me dearly seconds after we part,
Yet the first thing she wishes to see in the morning,
isn't me, but someone else.
Is that love? : )

hmm. i always blog at home, so the thought of signing out has never occurred to me.. i don't think i've ever signed out of my blogs, only my hotmail and msn/trillian.

random little rays of 'sunshine' from anybody you remotely enjoy the company of are definitely nice. just a snatched grin in the crowded hallways, or some weird secret handshake or inside joke never fails to splash a smile across my face. don't know why but it feels like i see more friendly people when i'm in a good mood. maybe when i'm in a bad mood i don't engage people as much, so it seems like nobody's paying attention to me. but then, someone i know well will brighten me up just in time before i get really depressed.

phones? bleah. i can't talk on phones. i'm definitely a writing sort of person. haven't we been through that subject before?

Well.. just small gestures like thoughtful smses and occasional hug just to show that he cares will be nice. He can't go wrong with chocolates too, haha but overall, he has to be sincere. That's all that matters really.

Oh, thanks for the advice on the history folder!

Haha, have fun on Saturday! Hopefully I'll get to see you and photography juniors then! Haha! *crosses fingers*!

Wah phoning people is fun. Just phoned all the people on my piece of paper who signed up for photog. Interesting hearing commanding mothers that go "Valerie! Valerie!" within a reasonable span of time and then command you to call back "Five minutes later. Five Minutes!" Or my class junior who had the TV on REALLY loudly, prompting me to remark "Is that your brother? He has a good voice~!" Or the gentle sounding girl who can't make it cos she has canoeing... can't imagine.. voice and CCA mismatch!

Still, the ringing tone gets on my nerves. I'm not gonna fall in love with the telephone.. No I'm not.

Still... looking forward to saturday. Should be fun. Though I won't make the Geraldine Mistake. : )
Don't wanna scare juniors away.

And, did I mention? Never fail to clear the history folder if you were blogging in school. Depending of the security and cookie settings someone could (by some complicated process of looking through visited links) go to your blogpost site. Yes, not your blog, your blogpost site. I.E. this site. And they'd be able to post here using your id. I know, because I was nearly able to do that to someone else's blog. Blogging in the library is risky, so be careful. Remember to click "sign out" when you're done, it logs you out so anyone else will have to enter the username and password again.

This applies in any other public place, for that matter.

Submit your post every 2 paragraphs. Then edit it if you want to continue.

Lying to my parents is what I consider a necessary evil. Can't be helped. Not like I take drugs in back alleys and sneak out of the house to go pubbing or Geylang at night.

How to reveal your affection for me? A frank confession would be nice, to keep things less confusing. Life is confusing enough, I don't need Love to follow the same path. As for small things, well I'd like small favours (you can be sure I'll return them). No gigantic teddy bears or bouquets of flowers - I hate anything that attracts attention. I hate publicising love so publicy - reminds me too much of the sports scene. Just a massage when I really need one, or a pair of socks that I really have my eyes on. But of course, that's in theory. I've never had a stead, so I can't be sure.

Oh yes. One more thing...

How do you want someone to show you that the person loves you?...How do you know that the person doesn't care?
Sometimes it happens...like when parents don't really know how to show their kid how they love him and don't really know how to show that they care...but they do.
What about the rest of you? How do you like someone to show that they love you?

SHIT!!! ARGH!!!
BLOGGER ATE UP MY POST AGAIN!!!!
IN THE LIBRARY TOO!
*sobz*
and I typed out an exceptionally long post! NOW what do I do.........

Guess I'll just write a brief summary of replies then.

1) Angel-mortal games can be very rewarding. I found my best gor Richard there, when I was in ACJ and we played with the senior class. Guess some divine power was pulling us together or something and we just clicked. Exchanged baby pics, and presents (roses,chocolates,teddy bears) and shared our fav. poetry and thoughts and confided in each other. So it depends I guess. Don't suppose the game would be that great in RJ though. It didn't work for me in RGS.

2) I shall stop smsing you ok? Then we can bother save on our handphone bills.

3) Miso soup is alright to keep in locker. Just don't do something silly like yechao putting a banana chocolate cream cake in locker that gave me a minor tummy ache.

4) Confusing mortals are fun! =) Confuse her by acting like a girl, be her da4 ji3, and then say something like "I have a crush on this guy in my class called Kenneth Tan" and then your reputation among the J1s would increase or something ;) Haha. Wouldn't that be fun?

5) Don't read too much Gaiman stuff that gives disturbing dreams.

6) Don't lie to your parents ok? (in response to kureshii's "agree to stop meeting but act otherwise". I know you won't lah. You're such a guai1 son.
But I'm not that guai1 in the lying thing lar...so I guess who am I to preach.

7) Let's all go to gabriel's place to make spaghetti sandwiches. They sound yummy and I'm sure gabriel would love to eat them =)

I can neve tell my parents the truth about me. They'll just keel over and die.

I'm not too enthusiastic about the angel-mortal thing. Yeah, it's fun and all, but it's a really big strain on my pocket and my time and my imagination and the friendship I get in return doesn't really justify it (IMO). I'd give good advice anyway and fatten myself on her chocolates =)

Your dream sounds so much like that storytelling scene I saw in Sandman. Book 8 I think.

Hmm... I'm dreadfully honest. That's one problem. But my phone bills have soared. And that's a bit hard to explain...

Anyway went shopping for my Angel Mortal thing. got her a bag of sweets. thinking of getting myself letter paper tomorrow. but then again, maybe I should use foolscap. Shouldn't confuse the poor dear about my gender.

Also got myself instant miso for putting in my locker, and thinking of some other treats to put in which I can finish when hungry. Sighz. Consumption.

Chem test was easy though, I think I'll be able to pass. The lecture theatre was freezing. Tomolo will be a lecture day though. Welcome back.

Can't find my handphone. Oops.

Back to the dreaming. It was some game where the play and reality was real. We'd talk about the way we act as if it was something that truly happened, like history. And we would see everything we did in vivid detail. in those comic pop up boxes. And then we'd pass the performances around, and everybody would add their own bits to it. And it was amazing the way the actors just flowed from one emotion to the next. From one personality type to another.

Did it sound like this?

And obviously parents should not. But I'd try as hard as possible not to antagonise my parents with my decision. I.E. agree to stop meeting but act otherwise.

Had a little dream just. That of men being of two types. One alive, one ghostly. And the alive ones will race about the classroom, and only by holding the ghostly will the ghostly survive, not dissipate. Images of my primary class, when we were still young and crazy. And to that drama, always played this strange irish music.. catchy and sounded like they were going to war.

Parents are great. If they bother about you. What if they don't? We'll always choose parents over friendship. But can and should parents break up friendship if they don't even know the other party well? If at all?

But I think this episode's over. If the person keeps saying she loves me, but has done nothing to make me feel loved, and can't even care for me, then I don't think this love is real. Or this love will last. Or this love means anything.

Parents? I just try to please them, and usually they aren't exactly unreasonable (usually), I just wish they'll leave me alone sometimes. But between friends and parents I'd choose parents anytime. If I fail to get a scholarship my friends aren't going to pay for my education. When I'm single and looking for work and need a place to stay my parents are more likely to put me up than my friends.

i agree with kenneth too. sigh. sometimes - not even just with parents - you come up with people who seem to have views entirely opposite to your own. and you can't do anything but listen to them and try to see their side too.

i looooove gingerbread men. i made like 5 batches for my classes for the last day before december break.
spaghetti sandwiches.. i first heard of them in the book "it's like this, cat". basically i take some spaghetti (it can be cold if there's no meat in it, or if you don't care about food poisoning, but i usually nuke it a little first) and put it between two slices of bread (preferably toasted, with cheese.)

*hug*. That's nice. :) Good on ya.

Haha, no one said that cooking isn't fun Kenneth.
Gingerbread men are fantastic! *yum yum*! Did anyone try breadtalk's gingerbread during Christmas?
Spaghetti sandwiches? Haha, that's unique! How do you make them?

Well...
my ma just went mad.
about how she other people aren't pitiful if they have parents, and that how their parents are making money but neglecting their kids are none of our business, and that how we shouldn't interfere.

Rubbish.
All I want is to help my friends. I couldn't care less if they're much richer than me.
Sometimes parents just miss the point. I hope I won't grow up to be like my parents.
Not even if it means at the expense of success.

Hrmph...
cooking is fun...
although its alot of effort for the enjoyment of the eating part...

the bread-pizza sounds delicious. i'll try it. did you know that spaghetti sandwiches taste good? i don't cook so often, but i like to bake gingerbread men...

Haha, I just saw a badge today that describes me best: Don't assume I cook.
Haha. :)

Hey Anne! You interested in another one of those easy-peasy bread mixtures that you can easily toast?

Try spreading pasta tomato sauce on bread, then place some cheese on top, heat in oven till bread's toasty brown and crusty, and Whoa-la! You get pizza!!!
It works.
I eat it when no one's doing the cooking.

Oh regarding the popcorn woes...

I've sort of just settled on just scattering salt on the popped kernels...

hrmphs...
learn something new everyday.
I'm irritated.

Stories are the stuff of life. Tell more of them.

Hmmz just read another amusing blog today... And sort of thought she was very funny in a Michelle (VJC's) voice. : ) Maybe they're both rather amusing in their own way. Amanda's blog. Put up a link later.

And I realized the amusing parts are always from everyday life. Life is boring... so you've got to make like 1000% of your enjoyment from that 0.001% of excitement. Hmmz.. I shall overglorify not so boring bits of my life and try to make it funny and interesting to lift people's spirits.

Soon... Soon. Once that 0.001% of excitement comes my way.

Haha... Yeah... my last batch got smoking burnt... There was white smoke and oil everywhere.

When you're in love, does the other sex become fairer? Suddenly I'm haunted by nymphets everywhere I walk, with their gentle smiles, promising times of unceasing pleasure. But knowing that if I took my chance, I might lose them all. So I walk on, in dreams of scented jasmine, and Clairol's Herbal Essences, and pull myself down, control.

I feel like I'm trapped in a lousy soap opera, or at least, the strings of fate are pulling me along paths predetermined. And all I am is but an actor on a stage. Free movement, but powerless to rage. But to flow with the scenes and the story, and to just experience the magical journey of it all. I can't act. It's all written on my face.

She smiled at me.

Am I that easily smitten? Yet again? Sighz.. or maybe its just today... euphoria stemming from depression the night before. Thus everything seems rosy, everyone seems interested. I don't know. I never know. I've just stopped knowing.

whoa! i'd advise just sticking to the nuked sort. i have an unfortunate tendency with kitchen experiments.
personally, what i like is cheese on toast with garlic salt, which any dimwit can make in a toaster oven. good enough for me.

Use a pressure cooker. It sounds like you're deep frying your kernels.

Try stirring vigorously and adding the flavouring a little at a time.

Argh! need help!!!
I've been trying to make popcorn for the most part of January... Buying raw popcorn seeds and popping them in a chinese wok. Way way cheap! like... $2 for enough popcorn seeds to last a month... But I can't seem to get the taste right... nor the garnishings... And the ultra expensive microwavable popcorn just tastes so much better than mine!!!

Standard procedure when I'm popping.
Heat wok medium flame, with about 3 tablespoons worth of oil, when the oil starts smoking, toss in a popcorn seed. wait till it pops, indicating that the wok is hot enough. Fish it out (cos popcorn burns really easily... and then there's a smoky kind of taste), and toss in the rest of the popcorn. Stir with a spatula (important for all the corn to pop). Then quickly cover with wok lid (you don't want the popcorn to go flying all over your kitchen). Depending on the sound of the popcorn, count to 60-70 seconds from the first popcorn pop. After 70 seconds, turn the flame off, no matter how little popcorn has popped (the majority should have though, otherwise your flame is too weak). Failure to turn off the flame will result in BURNT LOUSY POPCORN! (should feed 3)

After the popping part is the flavouring part, and i can't seem to get it to work well...
Pour flavourings before the wok cools. Salt works best, but I can't find a fine grained enough salt. Most of the salt doesn't stick. Butter and syrup tends to make great tasting popcorn, but the popcorn become moist and un crunchy~! Anyone here knows how to flavour popcorn???

Certain things Geraldine said just kept clanking in my mind.. and I got a sort of mental call for help at about 10pm.. Maybe I'm just paranoid.. but the hints she kept dropping were so obvious... And she's not replying to my SMSes!!! Argh! I'm having a panic attack! My mum says my face looks "sad". I think it's just grim. Unsure of what is happening with her. Worried cos she cried today. Worried cos I had to leave early. Worried worried worried.
But then again, Richard's probably a good person to be with when she's feeling down. And her parents are picking her up afterwards too.

Maybe it's just that her handphone ran out of battery... but if so, how is she gonna contact her parents? ARRGHHH!!!

Hmmz... well... I wouldn't like my sister to be THAT desirable...

Watched a play today. Dead Poets Society presented by the ACSian Drama (dunno what)... their acting was wonderful... though lines were delivered a little too passionately towards the end.. such that it got rather mumbled. But it was obvious everyone had a lot of fun. The little bird mime at the start was also wonderful. But what felt MOST MOST wonderful of all, was a living breathing, warm body next to me, and her friends... and the fact that I was home! After a five year absence. Back... to the place where I started all this GEPish business. Back to the place where my mind was opened, set free, to imagine and to roam.

Parts of the place still remain the same. The Methodist Church, the driveway, the clocktower... Parts which I loved dearly died as well... the large soccer field, the hole in the fence to Mobil, the large old tree, the slippery slopes. But there wasn't time to explore the whole of it. Pity...

The new ACS (Barker Rd) looks like one of those taiwanese high schools I visited last year.... with the canteens in the basement, and the beautiful landscaping... Perfect for spending tender moments together. And I was so happy, and felt so free, in the arms of the school I so loved, and holding the person I so loved, that I just went wild, and danced along the streets, running along the newly laid tiles, into this really large 3 tennis courts where i just looked at the moon, sang a too familiar school song, and held a certain someone in my arms. And that moment was ours.

I miss literature badly. I miss saying what I think, and defending it, and listening to what other people thought, and appreciating it. And acting, and reading out loud. And dreaming. I have learnt so much today, that tomorrow fills me with anticipation. Maybe I'll be different tomorrow. Maybe I'll be myself again.

I'd rather someone with the ideal traits that I so desire be my sister than my lover. Siblings can't break up. And it'd be much easier to restrict myself.

And since I'm finally CCA-free, I shall make use of this opportunity to start preparing for my As. Right now I'm just not motivated enough to care about my CCA record.

Hmmm the only places to get Newater is probably 1) a government function 2) a visit to the purification plants. Some other places do have them... like RJ had free Newater provided for Open House 2002.

*sighz*... seems like everyone went for the Jay Chou Concert.... wanted to go... but finances are always a problem... Zhou Jielun!!!! Damn... but then again, I shouldn't be complaining... watched 2 concerts last year... Zhang Xin Zhe and some Five boyband for free!... nothing beats Jay Chou though...

Argh. Miss her miss her miss her. And my ma knows something's afoot... keeps asking me to come home early.. yet.. I don't want too? Wanna be with her... and just be. Can't stretch time though.. why do hours pass like minutes when I'm with her? Can't hours JUST be hours? Had a lousy day today though...at least it got better afterwards. Its hard to be sad around her. Why can't she just be a part of my family, sleep in my house and eat dinners together... then I'll have lots of time to talk to her and smile and just enjoy being....

Was just hoping today could be a little longer than usual, cos we get let off a whole hour earlier... but she had something on. And I just decided to take a walk alone, to remember how it feels.

Sometimes her house is really scary too... a really desolate footpath, with only a few lights to mark the way... her house is like some castle situated on top of a hillock, and equally cold and windy... but once you get into the house, it does feel kinda cozy... like a place of solitude... and restful reflection. Whereas, while in my internship, and my parents were away... you could hear the echoes of my sibling's voices at night. The usual chatter giving way to deathly silence. And having that night after night after night...

Siblings were sweet today.. My sis is always offering me drinks they've just got... like some apple juice and herbal teas... really sweet... both her and the drinks... but I'm cutting down on sugar. Cutting down on white bread and white rice. Eating more vegetables. Maybe I should eat at Subway more often... kinda got hooked...like cold cut trio without dressing... just olive oil... and lettuce and olives and capsicum.

And yet... there's always this unrelenting pressure to... start preparing for A levels... Start revising... Start doing your tutorials past and future... And I really want to... I'd love to... Wanna stay in the canteen till late just like during the Promos preparations, and work... and get addicted to work... but i've been sick... sighz...

Newater? Should be available at most convenience stores...but I'm probably wrong. If you've drank distilled water before then you probably know what it tastes like.

Info on blog (in wrong context) + observations in RJ (in wrong context) ---[2+2=5] logic--->> really screwed-up conclusions.

This is beginning to remind me of Chem.

I still haven't tasted Newater! Where can you get it huh? I really want to taste it before I go back to Melbourne... Will have something unique to boost about when school reopens! Haha! :P

*Hug*. It sucks that all this had to happen but try not to worry too much about it yeah? Things will sort itself out in time. Just have faith.

And now, supposedly yechao didn't spread anything, the people came to their own conclusions. I'm just sick and tired of all this larh...I'm really interested in the statistics of who's visiting this page... but then again, I'd rather not know. I might throw a fit or something if I really knew.

Newater just tastes weird when you're not used to it. I'm ok with it.

When stuff like the things Yechao spreads around the best thing to do is just to fade into the shadows and see what happens. More people know about it than you think. Mainly because of this and Geraldine's blog I think.

Newater tastes ok what.

Good ole ma-laysia. I've no connection to it too.

Criticising authority has gotten me in trouble LOTS of times. I wager I've been blacklisted by The Powers That Be (and not just in one dimension, too).

My friend's a Ma-laysian PR who gave up PR ship. Studying in Melbourne now.

Haha so today we found out that Yechao's been spreading the rumours that we're together. We're NOT! : )
At least not yet. That's what I've been saying to the people who ask. What's the rush anyway... and what business is it of Yechao. Thought Yechao was nice and all with his friendly hies, didn't know he was spreading such untruths... especially when he should know better. Or at least check before spreading. Wonder what good it'll do to him anyway... what benefits he could probably get from being such a loudspeaker. Still... I suppose its a good thing... a blessing in disguise. Now I know who my good friends are... those friends that I can trust with my secrets... and those friends who trust me...

Mmm. I'm probably the only Malaysian PR who isn't still a Malaysian PR ;-)

The most important trick to surviving J1 is prioritising. And keeping those priorities intact. Don't think I should call that a trick, considering it's so hard to pull off.

looks like i'm the only one with no malaysia link then.. parents from hk. except that my grandmother's mum worked in kl as a maid for quite a while.. it's a long way back.
you guys' reminiscing makes me sad. because i have memories too, the long gone child's memories with the blurred colors and the exact details filled in instead by feelings. i remember pictorially, perhaps b/c there are a lot of photos from then. i love looking at photos of people i'v known and loved. i live a lot in the past; it's hard for me to let things go. i miss a lot of things about singapore, and my childhood. things i'll never even come close to grasping again. i had a long discussion over dinner about my school, and america, and oddly enough i felt really at home criticizing a society which has [somewhat] taken me in o foster me. i miss criticizing authority, something i used to do with bao en [poured liquid] and kels [eliane] when i was back there. it was fun and somehow we felt [i felt] almost dangerous, lthough that was absurd b/c no-one would have cared what 3 schoolgirls thought. we never went to speakers corner, guys. all my hopes all my wishes all my regrets and all the times to spend with you that have been stolen from me. can i tell you i love you? i miss you dearly.
sigh.

Ahh... back in school again. Unused to the masses of people milling around aimlessly, discussing tutorial 0... And yet, it seems only yesterday that I was a dumb little J1...walking aimlessly down the corridors of Victoria Junior College... saying hi to DHS friends, and friends I've just barely met... And then... like a lull before the storm, doing all the crazy things I signed up for last year, and all the crazy things I didn't sign up for, and didn't expect to do, but I did. And then again, back, full circle, in front of the terminal where I started my J1 year. It's a different terminal... granted, but the clacky keys, the sound of people murmuring around me, the large glass windows, and the tables and chairs just make it feel so... similar, so homely.

Wanted to do a guide for surviving J1... But don't think I'm qualified enough, seeing that I barely made it.

Life's not as bad as I've thought... people still talk to me... there are friendships yet to be strengthened, bonds yet to be made. Everything's been peachy too. But again, its always like that in the first few months of the year. The lull before. The calm.

And back again, to that day. ; )

I'm home!

And then we see the depth of our links to Malaysia... and how impossible it is for us to attack our own kin.

I never went anywhere in my childhood. The furthest I've been is my grandma's kampong, in Malacca. I miss it, but only after they sold it. I never liked the cold baths with kettle-heated stone-well water, and the drinking water from that very same well tasted worse than Newater. But I miss it. Fruits fresh off the trees, durian season, secretly feeding on herbal seeds from my grandfather's patch, mosquito-frag competitions, hairy caterpillars, moth swarms... Incidentally, I hated durians right after they sold the kampong. The car trip was at best unbearable (until I fell asleep). 5 kids + 1 maid + 2 parents in an old Hyundai doesn't make for a very comfortable 4+++-hour trip. Now it's just the 5 kids without the maid, and my youngest sis sits in front. I miss the squeeze.

I never got to know my relatives well. couldn't relate. Maybe it's just me. And yeah, my family tree is really extensive on my father's side. Have nephews and grand-nephews and great-grand-nephews that I never even got to visit. My father's parents died before I was born (my father's about 60 now), and my mother's parents aren't gone yet.

the one vivid memory I still have is my grandfather in the field, trouser legs rolled up, looking for monitor lizards. And he caught one, and slapped it against the ground viciously, grabbign it by the tail, until it was still and lifeless. And he hung it up by the roof in the wing beside the garage, adn skinned it. and we all had monitor lizard meat, cooked by my grandmother, using one of those coal-stoves. We didn't need rubbish bins then, we just threw everything inside.

There's simply too much to comment on, seeing as I'm leaving for The Middle Of Nowhere in under an hour, but this was particularly puke inducing:

"And so it is, so it seems, so strong my fascination with the Chinese culture... I'm determined one day, to get a Chinese wife... because she'll remind me always, of the obligation I have to mine own chinese people. Because she'll speak to me of frugality, prudence, purpose, family, and most of all... tradition."

Wah lao.

Your talking of your childhood made me think of mine as well...

I guess I had the best of all worlds when I was a kid. We were always a standard middle-income family though we had our own fluctuations of wealth here and there. But the thing was that I spent my childhood travelling ALOT, so I got to see many different "worlds" as well.
My memory's a little fuzzy, but certain things still stand out clear. Like the many trips to quaint Penang to visit my father's side of the family...that was when things still did not get too sour among the adults, but more about that another day.
Let's talk the pleasant stuff...the way my cousins used to climb the many rambutan trees in my grandfather's garden, and how they'd try their best to pull me up, but lady-like little me would never be able to ascend the tall tree with ants crawling all over them ;)
How every one would be frolicking around the swimming pools in the hotels and water slides and weak little me would just sit close by drawing/reading and being eaten alive by mosquitos =)
How we'd pick seashells along the beach, and then clean them and then the older girls would make trinkets and jewellery boxes out of them. There are no more shells left on those beaches anymore...
How I would sneak into the dusty, dark and warm rooms in my grandparents house, the unused rooms, and pry around, and find stuff like my father's really old school photos (he really was cute when he was young) and the report cards and the old gramaphone records. My grandparents used to listen to jazz and those really old oldies together...in the old house late at night, after all the children went away to start their own families...I like those songs...got a couple of those songs in CDs now, was pleasantly surprised when kenneth burnt a couple on that jazz cd he gave me.

I remember that old house...the room my dad, mom and I used to sleep in during the holidays. The way the fan was right above the old flat wide wooden bed. Even the sound of the rotation of the fan...The full length mirror on the inside of the old teak wood cupboards. The giant porcelain barrel that stored the bathing water, the way we had to bathe using a little plastic pail and the water went "polooong, polooong"...the old fashioned wooden clogs that I'd love to wear to run all over the garden that my grandpa planted himself.

I remember how I'd sit on the swing in my grandpa's garden and feel the breeze gently caressing my face... how my cousins and I would play mahjong and taidi (from the age of 5) and catching late in to the night in my grandma's spare bedroom and jump on the beds, and search the house for old treasures like my grandparents wedding photos... They were such a loving couple...grandma was about 4 years older than grandpa, but they loved each other more than any other couple I ever knew...He missed her so much after she died, and I guess the last years of his life just seemed so much emptier, even with 10 children and 20+ grandchildren...Their wedding was a grand affair, it was such a fairytale, they told us all about it. About a WEEK of celebrations, wow...Grandpa was a poor clerk, sort of given away by parents at a young age( yeah, "Yeoh" wasn't our original surname..it's the surname of the foster family, working in some rubber plantation, grandma was the daughter of this really rich family who owned banks, one of those spoilt brats perhaps =) she studied english literature and became a teacher for awhile, till they got married and started a family....

But anyway I digress.

My cousins and I had much fun with sparklers and the little pop-corn like little bombs that we threw on the cemented part of the garden to make noise too...But I was too scared to hold the sparklers sometimes, was afraid they'd burn me =) sigh.
We'd run out into the penang streets to buy ice-cream, every time the ice-cream man with the bell came ringing along...the aunts would always buy Char Kway Teow and Hokkien mee and dou4 hua1 to treat us.
At night we'd all pack into one of those little white protons, sitting on everyone else's lap and then drive down to this open-air hawker place where there'd be women in cheena resplendence singing hokkien getai songs. The hokkien spoken in those parts was pure. "One two three" isn't "ji4 neng3 sa1" it's actually "ji4 nor3 sa1"...that's how you differentiate penang hokkiens from singaporean ones, and also that's why my surname "Yeoh" has a "h" at the back...
Still remember grandpa craddling me in his lap and feeding me with Pistachio nuts. I'll always remember the pistachio nuts and how he'd always say I reminded him of grandma...she had such a sweet face, their portraits are still hanging on the wall in the hall, with a clock separating the two of them.
We'd sit in the hall and recline on those old fashioned chairs....grandpa always wore a sarong. A light blue checkered sarong on a dark blue cushioned chair...and then he'd fall asleep while the children all played "stack the mahjong tiles" on the ground at his feet. I think he was the only one other than my parents who called me "yang yang"....he had a really sweet voice.......
I really miss him.
Remember the funeral, and I was crying...and then Lye Hsiang (one of my cousins) was hugging me to comfort me...and my mom got pissed because some people though Hsiang was a pervert, but he really isn't, just mentally a little slow...
After he died everything just went downhill.....family disputes and all........perhaps it was good he was only around to see the beginning.
Before he died he told us that grandma had come to see him in his sleep...that she told him that she could not wait much longer, and so he said he couldn't wait to join her too......
I didn't really understand much, I was only about 7, but now I feel like crying all over again.
Remember the night he died...we were in penang, saw him the last time that afternoon, then that night mom crept into the room, where the cousins and I were all asleep spwraled all over on matresses in a room. We had a sleepover the night before, they were chewing bubble gum and we were laughing and everything..and then I almost fell from the bed in all the excitement, but surprisingly SOMETHING pushed me back to safety.That night when I was asleep, grandpa was announced dead. Mom came beside me and stroked my head and told me. And somehow I just wept silently, half-asleep....
Then after that it was all very chaotic in the morning. So many relatives, our extended family was probably over 200 people. Kept folding bags and bags of paper money, they taught me how...

I haven't visited the urns for a very long time........5 years? 6? 7?.........
I miss the happy memories. I want to go back to penang soon.....but it'll never be the same again.

Hmmz ...
was walking about NTUC Fairprice today, thinking about a lil' spot of poetry, and my unsociability when I saw this.... minced bean paste with pork (canned)... and for that second, saw little me again, in my grandparents' house, having porridge with that, and steamed fish and omelette, and preserved vegetables.

And remembered Geraldine saying, you must be really Teochew. Cos I said something about being able to survive on salted fish and porridge or banana and porridge.

Thought in my mind... that the first time I'll cook for her would be seaweed omelette (a nod to the japanese), minced beanpaste with pork, salted fish, and maybe a little pork floss. And we could have tieguanyin, and recite chinese poetry.... *ahhh.....*

Haha... I think I'm freaky.

But just as I walked out of the supermarket, my ma decided that we should go look at the chinese decorations... And the whole Chinese New Year thing just struck me in the face. Somehow I felt that it was worth celebrating, that it would be an activity to lift the gloom and doom... and I remembered chasing my siblings with the sparkly things that pop when you throw them and they hit something... and waving around sparklers, and going around reciting new year greetings, and getting angbaos. The sweet taste of nostalgia.

Somehow the attachment facts just came back to mind. The calculations that a family could live on only $1.50 per meal per person. And I was thinking, that's who I am. That's how I was brought up... living on only $1.50 a meal, enjoying the simple pleasures of poverty. And then, gradually, as my family, and slowly I became more affluent, money didn't matter anymore. But my tastebuds slowly became satiated with the taste of capitalism... of McDonalds, and overpriced Marche...

Remember how much it felt like an adventure, when I went to Sarawak, where people didn't wear branded clothes at all, bathed freely at rivers, took toilet breaks at the roadsides. Where people didn't pay for business with neighbours... where if you wanted to borrow a tape from the Video rental, you just borrowed it, and returned it the same day. And you'll invite their children over to your provision shop, and treat them to icecream, or drinks. And there was no traffic, no rush to get to any place. Just time, a place for thoughtful meditation, to have a little coffee with neighbours, and chat.

And the meals! Brown rice from their own fields (tasted a little musky, looked reddish), fresh corn of the wild variety... not the beautiful ears you see in the supermarket. Chicken freshly slaughtered (to welcome us)... the best salted fish... salted eggs... soup (bittergourd)... vegetables with holes in them. And the whole family sat down to dinner. Us from Singapore, an uncle and aunt from Kuching (means cat), and the whole family... 3 kids about our age, 2 more a bit grown, aunts and uncles, and grandfather and grandmother. I don't know what's the point of relating all this... but it was sweet.

Then later, I walked to the hawker centre... and thought about how... its the work of these people I see here that built this nation. How much of my education were paid by these very people, sweating away in front of a flame ( a point overstressed by my teachers in RI though not in ACS)... And how... in the end, for all my education, I'll be one of them. To create my own future with my own two hands. I hope I'll not forget them.

And so it is, so it seems, so strong my fascination with the Chinese culture... I'm determined one day, to get a Chinese wife... because she'll remind me always, of the obligation I have to mine own chinese people. Because she'll speak to me of frugality, prudence, purpose, family, and most of all... tradition.

How about Madame Thernadier? :0

Do you hear the people sing?
Singing the hit songs from Les Mis
It is the best show of a classic
Since they modernised The Wiz
Better learn the songs by heart
And if you don't, they'll call you dumb
They'll be atop the record chart
When the British come

No more Gershwin, no more Kern
We don't need old shows anymore
We set ablaze and burn most every Stephen Sondhiem score
Come join with the few who have started a musical war

Do you hear the people sing?
All of the new songs from Les Mis
Even the great Andrew Lloyd Webber
Wished the songs were really his
You'll be ticketed and pinched
If a La Cage song you should hum
Poor Jerry Herman will be lynched
When the British come

Do you hear the people sing?
All of the new songs from Les Mis
Now with our new French Revolution
We'll decapitate The Wiz
Now Les Mis is here to stay
Miss Saigon will leave you numb
Phantom will haunt the Great White Way
When the British come
The British come

probably not young cosette, because i'm fifteen (though small), and the affiliated middle school (6th to 8th grade) is also auditioning..
this isn't an ordinary public school.. perhaps i should explain. my high school is math-sci focused, but we're based in the same building as an arts school which comprises both a high school and a middle school. they're all public, therefore free and therefore quite popular among people who wish to 'specialize'. basically, the three schools integrate a lot of things, for example their kids join our sports teams and we join their choir and band.

i can't dao people. not if my life depended on it. i'm an odd fish.

Dao guys totally spoil your mood. And they deserve to be dao-ed in return.

That's rather taxing. I hope it goes well. Schools generally don't have the resources to put up entire Broadway/West End shows.

Why not audition for Cosette? The young one. ;)

Dao guys are irritating, yes!

coincidentally, my school's putting up les mis. the whole thing, i think. i like that song. i think gavroche and eponine are the best characters. and valjean too, but he's the protagonist so that's rather a given. eponine is a very strong, self-sacrificial and passionate character. she's the best female role! but i don't think i'll get her part..

how about aloof guys? the kind who're like, "i'm cool." and refuse to acknowledge people? dao (tao?) people get on my nerves.

This song is dedicated to Geraldine :)

They laugh at me, these fellows, just because I am small.
They laugh at me because I'm not a hundred feet tall.
I tell 'em there's a lot to learn here on the ground.
The world is big but little people turn it around.

A worm can roll a stone,
A bee can sting a bear,
A fly can fly around Versailles
'Cos flies don't care!
A sparrow in a hat can make a happy home,
A flea can bite the bottom of the Pope in Rome!

Goliath was a bruiser who was as tall as the sky,
but David threw a right and gave him one in the eye.
I've never read the Bible but I know that it's true
It only comes to show what little people can do!

A worm can roll a stone,
A bee can sting a bear,
A fly can fly around Versailles
'Cos flies don't care!
A sparrow in a hat can make a happy home,
A flea can bite the bottom of the Pope in Rome!

So listen here, professor,
With your head in the cloud.
It's often kinds useful
To get lost in a crowd!
So keep your universities,
I don’t give a damn.
For better or for worse,
It is the way that I am!

Be careful how you go,
'Cos little people grow...

And little people know,
When little people fight,
We may look easy pickings
But we got some bite!
So never kick a dog
Because it’s just a pup!
You better run for cover
When the pup grows up!
And we’ll fight like twenty armies,
And we won’t give up!

A worm can roll a stone,
A bee can sting a bear.
A fly can fly around Versailles
'Cos flies don't care!
A sparrow in a hat can make a happy home.
A flea can bite the bottom of the Pope in Rome!

Bah.

As Destruction of the Endless puts it, there's no such thing as a one-sided coin, there are 2 sides to every sky. "Conservative" defines "Liberal", and neither exists without the other. So it's simply a matter of where you draw the line. for without such a boundary, where does "conservative" end and "liberal" begin? Or is it simply a mix of both? And even if it's a mix, the degree of conservativeness has to be defined in relation to the degree of liberalism.

It seems the 2 RJ J2 males here have views very conservative in some ways, and very... liberal (at least, or rather ONLY where sex, or rather sex on their end, is concerned) in others.

I would too.
I'd say I'm interested in someone. If people ask.
I don't carry my emotions outside. Better to keep it within, where it can yet be still controlled.
And happiness is in my own heart.

They were dancing, while constructing a scaffold, then they poured water on a trough, wore boots and started tapping away, causing a lot of splashing into the audience.

True... wussy guys are sensitive and caring. I suppose there's a relationship and a partner for everybody. I just don't like relationships when one party exerts so much dominance over the other. I feel bad when my partner isn't an equal.... feel like I'm taking advantage of the whole situation cos she's trying so hard to please, and I'm not trying much if at all. I'd rather it be an equal relationship, where both parties can try to please, and accomodate.

Sorry for probing.

An angel? I dunno, it varies from time to time, depending on my religious stand. Usually with white wings included, sometimes with silver lining. Face expression variable. But if someone looks like an angel to me I'll know instantly.

What act? Why should i tell you...go figure it yourself. Keep this blog pure and clean.

If I had a relationship with someone, I'd want to tell everyone that I had a relationship with someone and not "Just friends". It irks me to not be truthful about something you're so happy about.

Construction workers huh?...*dubious look*
I wonder what they were trying to do. Can you not say "wet soo wet"? It's so suggestive...

Wussy guys are sensitive and caring and tend to treasure you more.

What does an angel look like in your opinion?

Anyway.... got my photos back...
Sighz.... felt a little... disturbed perhaps.

Photos are very disturbing.

Somehow every picture we took at the Airport seems so fresh and clear... like it was only yesterday. But it was last year. And even more. Perhaps that's true friendship. Friends forever. Every time every day like the last.

Mmm, you never know...Saw this guy on the bus whom I can best describe as a funky nerd (he has that look which screams NERD!!! but his specs actually looked nice and his clothes didn't clash horribly) and beside him was - an angel! I swear that's what she looked like to me, and I thought this kind of stuff only happened in anime. Oh well, you never know...

And I looked at all the couples today, and I wondered if their relationships are as innocent as it appears in school. And I wonder why some girls would go for wussy guys.

Oh man... watching tap dogs... got rather bored at the start till they got out the ladders and power tools and sent sparks flying to a syncopated rhythm... and thinking WhY MEE!!! Why didn't I join a dance class during the holidays?

Pretty determined to do be 100% prepared for my retests comming up soon. Though I don't know where I'll find the time. Less going out, more studies then...

Oh my.. you won't believe it... they're construction workering.. the tap dogs I mean.. they've just set up some scaffolding, and dancing from it. Sighz... why can't I be free? And lead exciting lives? A mosquito just buzzed past my face. I'm doomed tonight. Ooh they're now wet!! Oh soo wet!

Anyway studying has its advantages... was studying outside the hall, when two J1s who COULD possibly make it asked me for the number of LTs we have. Though I was rather irritated with my graphs and just gave her a hand signal. Afterthought.

Just read Coraline. I almost wrote Caroline. By Neil Gaiman. Over hyped... though a nice little beautiful world. Its just his prose isn't as good as his graphic novels. It was short too. And also, read a bit of Chobits. I now understand why its a Male sort of manga... but the premise is just too absurd. Still, its interesting to know what male manga is like... I've always been watching the androgynous and female types. Which had funnier jokes too. Or at least, I found them funnier.

Haha... I know someone in VJ who goes to class and asks for a Big Hug from my perc friend. And they're just friends. Or the numerous J2s who go for some privacy from the nearby East Coast Park. Its just amusing... that the supposedly more Western sort of education like RJC is more conservative than the more Chinese sort like VJC... though I'm aware that's not really a very true statement... as in, they're just slightly off median... Oh well... maybe its school culture.

Anyway... if you're looking for eye candy... now's the time to get interested in manga or something... or the numerous photo sites.

Guilty of what? Specifically, what act?

And conservatism doesn't really apply to looks, does it? I do believe that not all (blissfully unaware) exhibits like to fondle around.

Oops. Sorry. I'm guilty of that. So sue me.

Does that mean I should go back to AC? muahahha....

Oh yeah, and with such conservatism around, you hardly EXPECT much eye candy do you???

My eyes are getting tired. RJ needs more eye candy. Preferably females.

Nope...didn't go. AC guys in RJ were public enough already, I dread to even think of what the situation would be like over there...and from accounts of exploits at Dover Road I wouldn't dare go look, especially since I don't have a set of AC uniform. I'd say RJ's pretty conservative in comparison. And no, holding hands and putting arms around each others' waists doesn't count. I mean things like J1s gently stroking each other and stupid fat AC guys smelling their newly-acquired quarry's hair. In full view of people up there at the gallery. If you were in a park and I just happened to glimpse, then well, fair enough. But please, just not in school.

EH?!?!?!
You went for acjc's orientation??
My days in AC were one of the most fun, enjoyable and sociable times of my life! Are they THAT liberal?....well........... maybe some people, but what's wrong with it anyway? What was so bad about those public displays of affection? I'd really like to know what some people thought I looked like when I was in ac.....
Is RJ that conservative anyway? Then hwachong leh?

If those public displays of affection that I've witnessed during Orientation are the result of AC's liberalism, then I'd much rather be a victim of RJ's conservatism.

I had a different interpretation. But it doesn't matter anyway. I'm waiting for my turn to enter the cycle, like a car entering a roundabout, with the full knowledge that I may just keep spinning round and round and round and round and not know which way to exit from.

Almost like the circle of reincarnation.

From the songs and writings and such, you'd think it was the greatest thing in life.

In reality, people stumble through, finding the illusion of it and then getting cheated/dumped/jilted. They hurl themselves into a chain of illusory relationships, imagining that they bask in the rays of love, then when they realise the truth, they writhe in its throes but, foolhardily, continue on to another ill advised relationship.

That's a simplistic and inadequate explanation, but it'll do.

Because it's a feeling that ~~almost~~ everyone wants to have and understand.

Love is grossly over rated and over hyped.

Ah... a quiet afternoon at the beach
Summer flies by, scattering the fleecy clouds

The trembling shadows at the wharf
Snuggling softly near each other
The couple turn their backs at each other
Still fighting playfully

If I could make just one miracle happen
I would capture this moment in a picture
Ignoring the noise of a changing era
I just want to stare at you

Ah... the bird that parts from the flock disappears into the waves
Searching for tomorrow

Why is it that people are born crying for no reason?
With the departure that will come someday
I will know the sorrow of falling tears as well

If the sorrow in this world won't disappear
We'll seek refuge in a scene painted by an angel
Always feeling the paradise in our hearts
I want to keep smiling

If I could make just one miracle happen
I would capture this moment in a picture
Ignoring the noise of a changing era
I just want to stare at you

Rurouni Kenshin - Natsu No E/Picture of Summer

Yay! Love lyrics galore!

Please don't embrace my longing secretly in your arms
Because I'm fine the way I am

Those blue eyes
What beautiful foolishness
I believed everything about you was a miracle

People ride a gondola, drifting and floating away
Meeting, then parting
A short mid-summer
Sadness and happiness repeat again

This one-time love will end eventually
But I think you will stay with me for eternity

A damp wind strokes my cheek
Forget everything, break it off
And tomorrow, too
Even someone small, like me, will love you

Please don't embrace my longing secretly in your arms
Because I'm fine the way I am

The Vision of Escaflowne - Aoi Hitomi/Blue Eyes

Snow...I've never liked snow. Not since I slipped and fell on it and felt the cold sting on my skin. I hate the cold and the dark. The cold bites and the darkness swallows. I'm just dreaming of solitude now...I don't know how I dream of solitude either.

You must be crazy
when you give your heart away
you must be crazy
that's what all the people say
and i guess that is true
because i'm crazy 'bout you

Your world gets hazy
don't know if it's night or day
you must be crazy
that's what all the people say
and i guess that it's true
'cause i'm so crazy bout you

everything seemed fine
then your eyes met mine
and you turned my world around
it's really quite frightening
like thunder and lighting
all you did was look at me
and then you threw the book at me

it's crazy if you're smart you'll just give in
you know it's crazy even when you lose you win
and i guess that it's true
'cause i'm so crazy bout you

everything seemed fine
then your eyes met mine
and you turned my world around
it's really quite frightening
like thunder and lightning
all you did was look at me
and then you threw the book at me

it's crazy if you're smart you'll just give in
you know it's crazy even when you lose you win
but as long as it's love
it's sure where I wanna be

'coz i know that it's true
that you are crazy 'bout me

Oooh I wanna talk to the exchange student.
Is she nice? Can practice my jap.. though most of it has withered away.

Bewitched - Laura Fygi

He's a fool and don't I know it,
But a fool can have his charms
I'm in love and don't I show it
Like a babe in arms.

Love's the same old sad sensation
Lately I've not slept a wink
Since this silly situation
Has me on the blink

I'm wild again, beguiled again
A simpering, whimpering child again
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I

Couldn't sleep and wouldn't sleep
When love came and told me, I shouldn't sleep
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I

I lost my heart, but what of it
He is cold I agree
He might laugh, but I love him
Although the laugh's on me

I'll sing to him, bring spring to him
And long, for the day when I'll cling to him
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I

Lost my heart, but what of it
He is cold I agree
He might laugh, but I love him
Although the laugh's on me

I'll sing to him, bring spring to him
And long, for the day when I'll cling to him
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I
Bewitched, bothered and bewildered - am I

By the way, in ref to gabriel's post, I know of a girl called Chastity. And Just is terribly common now. Justin is derived from Just I think.

Oh yes, and I lurve Escaflowne!!! Adela intro-ed it to me...never knew those were the lyrics though.

PG-13? Not NC-16 yet? =) That's nice to know!

Snow snow snow! I wanna go frolick in the snow...with my loved one's tight embrace to warm me...and we can go make snow angels and snowmen, and take photos of the snowflakes falling on the branches of willows.....ah....

I think gollum was very well...erm...acted out. They used digital for his image?? The schizo bit is genius =P

My chinese name is Lizhen. Meaning polite, courteous, gift from God and intelligent...something on those lines....

The jap immerssion student in my class called herself "Mochi". Unfortunately it reminded me of a cross between Mashimaro and Takopachi....

Yechao used to buy me Gerberas because he calls me "Gerri", and gerberas are colourful, bright and cheery flowers....

Mmmm...sounds and names. I like the way the Japanese put their meaning into so many syllables. Highly unnecessary, but also beautiful.

oops. i should probably reintroduce myself. i would be a sec 3 going sec 4 (or a sec 4 already.. AAAHHH!) except now i'm in 10th grade. you guys really deviated - i went back a hundred or so posts and the topics we've discussed have gotten more and more.. shall i say PG-13. but oh well, i am sleepy and the snow's still falling..
i must say though, that legolas' name is pronounced "LEG-o-LAS" with the emphasis on the 1st and 3rd syllable (too many people corrupt it to "leg-OH-las"), and that the lord of the rings series rocks! frodo lives! and peter jackson's schizo take on gollum thru the use of "we" is a bit strange, but acceptable.. actually quite entertaining.

don't chinese names also have all the concept stuff going too? like happy or beautiful or clever etc? i know mine means happy. i like strange names, short names. place names, especially from other countries. mostly i'm in love with words. their sound, their feel, the way they're spelled.
i haven't been here in too long. it's like i'm from a different world. though i am, now. looks like murky little things have happened since i was last here. maybe not that little. happy new year anyway, people. it's just started to snow..

I like Japanese names... they get called all kinds of things, like "Trust" and "Smile" and "Sky" and even "Form/Become" (of course, that's taking translations a little too far ^_~)

I'd rather not be named after flowers or days of the month thank you very much... Shall we all start calling you Germanium Gabriel?

"I suppose the worst move in the vjc dance, (not the hardest but the worst :) is the boob jiggling dance where you jiggle your uppder body and your butt using your shoulders so your boobs end up jiggling back and forth! quite a scene when you watch people do it. "

*choke*

You should really rephrase that part about Dawn.

At first I thought someone had broken into your house.

It's not fair. How come girls get to be named after such whimsical things like precious stones, attributes and the morning daylight?

Can I name my (hypothetical) daughter Lapis Lazuli? Or Chastity? Can I name my son Steadfastness? Or Just? Oh wait the latter has been done already.

"I wonder how it's been with you?
In the cold wind, I pondered a little bit

We leaned against a branch and talked, didn't we?
My body started to chill, and as the sun was setting,

I ended up crying
And as if to protect me, you came and stood silently by my side, didn't you?

I felt like your eyes reflect a wondrous world
You taught me how to dream and long and such

I told you only a little while ago, even if we get torn apart, I won't forget our dreams, so...
...even though I'm far away from you, I don't want to give up.
Even though we've always been rivals.

I don't need to hear any news, beloved friend.
I don't tell anyone else my foremost thoughts

We'll meet once more, right, beloved friend?
I won't forget you, beloved friend."

The Vision of Escaflowne - Tomodachi

Sad, isn't it. We have a better government than M'sia (IMO) but they have better citizens than us (the Chinese, at least).

Good friends don't have to say anything to each other, but the conversation isn't in the silence. It's in the companionship.

I never get to enjoy the dawn's caress when I wake up. I'm either up before it's awake, or after it has gone for lunch.

Happy Birthday Gangwei!

Dawn caressed me this morning. In a way that felt strangely familiar. And I smelt my pillow. And it smelt of me.

I feel myself sinking slowly, deeply into the depths of depression. I want it to end. I want the pain, the suffering, the sleepless nights to go away. To fly away. To leave me and let me be. And I start to understand H.H, start to sympathize.

I cannot sleep. I don't feel happy. And the isolated spurts of happiness are all but clouded, shrouded in deep dark mist. It's 1.46am. Being with you is always a happy thing. But underlying that, always, are the various unsettlements. Whether you love me, wether anything could come from it. And I look back at the happy days, of already extinct simplicity. And the days you were online. And I'd wonder, where did you go.

Love is greed. And I'm trying my best to be gracious, to be ungreedy, to leave you a path to change your mind. But when you do, or start to, all it does is cause me confusion. To throw me violently and viciously back to the big D.

Sleepless tonight. It's 1.52am.

Wanted to meet you, half knowingly that we might never survive another week of school. Tired, sick in the heart, wanted to tell you myself what I actually feel, fall into your arms, hold you, dance with you, kiss you, and spend that last day memorably. But it seems we'll never get a chance to. It's all my fault isn't it? All mine and the cruel arms of fate.

But deep down, I do know that paths cross, meet, and fade. And perhaps its the end of ours. I'm tired. Really really tired of it all. Really really nauseous. is this lovesickness? Or is it just the breakup that never was.

If you had known it'd come to this, would you have done it? People love you. You know they do. And i know people love me too. Perhaps less strongly. I don't know. Part of me hates this tortured existence. Yet another part of me savours the pain, savours every moment, every memory, like a leech that lives on bad blood.

I feel like calling you. Right now, at 2.01am. But I shan't, for you might be sleeping soundly, and dreaming of him. And where would I be then? I don't wanna disturb your dreams. They'll always be beautiful dreams. Always.

It's weird... the place I'm standing on now. A middle ground, a no man's land. Not a lover, not a boyfriend, just a friend. Yet that lie rankles with something inside. Would anyone breakup with someone else beacause of a friend? Or am I just another milestone in your continuing relationnship. Just a stone on your shared path, placed so you would trip, and allow your love to grow stronger? Can I even qualify for friend? For bringing all of us such misery?

Resting now, almost at peace, like all those times I had you sitting next to me, shoulders touching, feeling your warmth. Feeling your heavy head rest on my hard shoulders, and feeling your head rise with my every breath. That slow easy rhythm. Without a care in the world. Just sitting together. Good friends don't have to say a word to each other. The conversation's all in the silence isn't it?

And the doubts in my head. All the doubts in my head. And I can imagine, all the doubts running in yours. And its probably one of those things that come with an over fertile imagination, or the feeling that you think very much like me. I tried to see you again, like the last time, reminiscing over the phone. And that time at Sunway Lagoon, and the dinners together, the nights studying in school, and the tution sessions, and the assorted moments of fun, and the time where you got food poisoning. And dance lessons, and pool. And I'm sure many many more events both in choir, and in church. Your lives are so intertwined it's almost impossible for you to pull free. Not that I'd ever think you'd want to. Not if I were you, and I shared those experiences with you.

And so it boils down to this... this harsh reality. That i'll never be able to have the same depth of memories that you'd have with him. Being someone that holds on to the past so dear, I can never make you happier than he can make you. I can never turn the clock back. All we had was two months. And all our fun was in the last month. A last month. Only 30 days. I wish we had more, much much more. What makes me sad, is not the fact that you still have tinges of regret. It's just that question always spinning in my mind, what if I'd known you sooner, befriended you right at the start of last year, when I first met Gabriel. What if we were the ones with the happy times, and the beautiful memories. What if you joined band instead of choir, and i'd have known you sooner? What if I'd done what my heart cried out so loudly for me to do, and take Arts... We'd have been in the same class, cos I wanted Geog Lit... What if... What if... What if... What would a year have been like? A whole year like the last two months? Without the burden of memories, and a prior relationship. Just two happy lovers going about creating memories, creating a home for themselves.

And its that thought that troubles me most. Like a track that I could have taken, a tiny taste of that track that could have brought me bliss. Just like what VJC was, a 3 month affair that's still worth remembering and reminiscing. And yet, its a doomed track. Not of my conscious choice, but of this many armed monster called Fate. Or God if you'd prefer.

Feeling better. 2.41am. Time passes quickly in front of my iMac.

And more and more and much much more.

And the strength of attraction between two seemingly unrelated peoples. And the books we read being such close parallels. And our common tastes when we go shopping. and your knowledge of Tanabata (The seventh night of July by Itaru Sakai), and if I was a Euphonium and you a Saxaphone, we could play the love theme together. And the way I can recognize John William's music, and the way you love the Harry Potter album. And our love of Jazz, and singing together. I haven't danced with you. Perhaps that's one regret. But more and more and much much more. When I reminded you of your chilhood with chinese songs, and shared with you all the distractions normal kids do. And that sleepover night when I was really scared. And you were the only human in any sort of contact.

Perhaps I should ask you for more time, more more much more time together, to find out if we're fated, to see if it is the hand of God that brings us together. But we have no time. And you have no time. And if we wait, and cool, and see if we're still attracted, the A levels would be upon us. And then NS, and then Uni. Such is the future. Short is it's length.

Tonight I'm very calm. at 2.56am. No longer the weeping wildness of the past. Just a sense of purpose, as if I've already reached a milestone, already arrived. And nothing I do now can change the path I'm taking. All I'm doing perhaps, is just recording, and writing, and keeping my memories of tonight straight. Just doing a little book keeping.

Wanted to dedicate you a song tonight. Was singing it in bed. I've posted the lyrics before, during the crazy crazy times.

Good Morning Heartache - Laura Fygi.

Written by Drake-Higginbotham-Fisher

Good morning heartache, you old gloomy sight
Good morning heartache
Thought we said goodbye last night
I tossed and turned until it seemed that you had gone
But here you are with the dawn

Hoo, wish I'd forget you, but you're here to stay
It seems I met you, when my love had gone away
I start each day out just by saying to you
Good morning heartache, what's new

Stop haunting me now, can't shake you no how
Why don't you just leave me alone
I've got those Monday blues
Straight through Sunday blues

Good morning heartache, here we go again,
Good morning heartache
You're the one who knew me when
I guess I might as well get used to you hanging around
Good morning heartache, I see you're back in town
Good morning heartache, sit down

And I couldn't have dedicated this song to you if I didn't go for the Govt Internship, and met Kevin Tan, and heard this song, and had that whole two weeks of absolute isolation, except for your comforting presence, both online and in person. And this song would be Kevin's wedding song. And I'm using it here again, in happy circumstances. Happy because it's not a sad thing. It's not a sad thing at all.

Good night. It's 3.17am. As always, wishing you happiness.

Yourself?

wishing you happiness

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