blog*spot
get rid of this ad | advertise here
You can link to other sites that you like here

Other sites

Ariella~ - Balderdash - Hobbit! Daphne

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Masochism

Hon made the comment that I'm masochistic after blocking a few of Joel's killerballs during volleyball.

Haa... No I just love volleyball and pain.

It's a strange thing to love pain, but the both of us have a very useful working relationship. I would admit that I'm masochistic, but only because pain reassures me that I'm still alive. Sometimes in nice civilized places we tend to forget how alive we are. I get that sometimes, when I'm stuck in a whole phase of pleasantness, and it's like living in a world that's all white or all a single shade like my blog. And then you have pain, and pain is like a new colour in that world. Pain is like freedom and assurance. Pain is life!

and Oooh Beach Volleyball photos!
I love photography!

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Zennish moments

Well it's sort of like the calm before the storm I guess. After a bunch of really happy days doing all the physical activities I never got to do during the exam period, starting to feel and understand what being in a supportive group in medicine means again.

Just quit dance yesterday, to focus on the priorities, and it's just realizing how far behind I am with regards to medicine. I mean.. I'm probably the only medical student who doesn't know what being a doctor is like, not having had the experience of apprenticeships and attachments and not even sure of what to do after I graduate.

But yesterday I thought about it, and just looked at where my interests lay, and I really like medicine. I like the challenge. I like the community. I like the competition, and I like the whole open endedness of it all. I love the fact that it's all in the mind.

I love everyone! It's like a dark shadow that's left me. Once I decide on something I decide on something and that's the entire stubborness and total illogicality of my being.

I just spoke to Joanna over Hall Draw about religion and I realize after talking to her, maybe there isn't such a big difference between what I believe and what she believes after all. It's just how you make sense of what essentially is this confusing depressing world. She believes that the solution is through God and Jesus and Christ and Faith. I believe the solution is through observation and just a sense of waiting. She believes God only gives you things if you believe in him first. I believe that God or fate or whoever gives you things whether you believe in him or not.

There was this interesting point where it could have been really bad, but it ended all right due to her frankness and openmindedness. I said.. the idea of buddhist enlightenment is to be free of the needs and wants of the human existence, whereas Christianity starts with that need and that want and says it is all right. Lets revel in it and institutionalize it. And she said, everyone has a void in their hearts, which can only be filled with God, and it is the union between us and the hole in our hearts with God that fufills us. We were made to be that way. We were meant to form a relationship with God, and that involves going to Church and reading his word and reflecting upon it. And I said, after an entire lifetime of God, the hole is still there isn't it? We can never fill that neediness unless we renounce need. I forget the rest of the conversation,

But the main idea I got was... is it really important to deny what we were born to have in order to achieve an ideal (not being needy) or is it wiser to embrace our being's need for companionship and worship?

I was born to be who I am. And no matter what happens, I will be who I will be in the future. God was born to be who he is, and he will be who he's supposed to be in the future. Can we escape our fate? Can we leave our post and not do what we're supposed to do? I am gifted in some ways, and crippled in others. What he gives me and takes away from me defines my life and my entire existence. God is gifted in his own way, with his infinite power and infinite burden. But he is lonely too, for he has no equals. That too, defines his existence.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Trepidation

I was just thinking of my favourite feelings. What were they? Sometimes when we get older, we forget what we love... so everyone who reads this, list ur favourite feelings on ur blog too!

I love... the wind blowing through my hair and all over my skin and whispering in my ear.
I love... the moment I jump into the pool and the scorching sun gives way to freezing cold, and the sun burns my skin a nice milk chocolate.
I love... the sound of my favourite songs when my mood and the song's mood matches, the spoken poetry, the details that no one hears but me... just me and the singer sharing a moment.
I love... reading a book and crying because the writer is just too good, or the characters are just so so doomed without knowing it.
I love... taking the final exam, because there's always that sunshine after the three hours.
I love... turning that other brain circuitry on.. the one that amplifies my senses and heightens my sensitivities, but would probably freak people around me out.. that feminine side.
I love... living as a male without all those sensitivities coming around to distract me from work. And standing up to pee.
I love... dancing!
I love... loyal friendships and hugs!
I love... the absolutely paralyzing fear danger brings.
I love... dreaming of farfetched solutions to everyday problems.
I love... the lines of architecture and art and the human body ;)
I love... just holding someone's hand. Pulling someone up. Dancing.
I love... looking into a person's eyes for eternity.
I love... feeling someone warm and snug beside me.
I love... sitting alone on a cool sandy beach, and enjoying the embrace of the world.
I love... sitting in a quiet temple, a quiet church (without crucified statues please), just to think alone or to talk with someone.
I love... long chats over tea. Heart to heart things where you can cast down your cloak and feel the naked interplay of words, emotions and random thoughts.
I love... reflecting about what's been going on once in a while with my laptop, listening to music
I love... writing.. writing poetry and stories that make my readers cry or laugh. (Cry mostly)
I love... meeting new people and talking to them.. even though recently my mind has had too many things for it.. couldn't store it all.
I love... Christians and Catholics and the way they reassure me that the world is all right.
I love... looking for the truth. And realizing things that go together.
I love... Ballet. (watching tho.)
I love... watching happy people be happy. Making the most difficult thing in the world look so easy.
I love... the sunshine. Because the colours look oh so pretty, and you can stare at the sky for hours.
I love... the rain. I love dancing in it. I love playing in it. I love walking and kayaking in it.
I love... being young and idealistic.
I love... the scents of flowers on their bushes. The scents of people around me. Of hair and babies and lavender and honey.
I love... the taste of a complex cheese. The age in a bottle of whisky. Alcohol evaporating off the tongue.
I love... the night. When it is quiet and I'm all alone to think.
I love... Weiqi. Looking at possibilities together while making moves in the present and making artwork together.
I love... hugs. But only because I hate kisses.
I love... memories. Because only memories are forever.
I love flirting!

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Humility and the Meek

Well it's been a while since I wrote anything. During this Sunday morning's browsing, another moral lesson came around. Happened when I researched the guy that founded Ikea, cos they made a claim that he drives a 15 year old car, even if he's worth billions.

I respect him for that. Really. One will always be moved by the latest and newest, but it takes a certain sort of person to appreciate the story behind the objects you own.

It's interesting tho, that a person who is so sentimental in so many ways, and so humble, started a company that is known for exactly the opposite. Environmentally friendly yes, but they sell throwaway furniture, with skeletal staff. How do you make meaningful relationships with furniture that only lasts two or three years?

But this post is about humility and meekness. I always thought meek meant submissive, but I never knew it meant humility and gentleness as well. There's a line in the bible, the "meek shall inherit the earth", which I always thought it meant to submit to the rules and laws. But it could simply mean be humble, which i agree with. There's a big difference between humility and weakness, and it's a relationship I'm still exploring.

People often mistake meekness for weakness. I often make that mistake myself, but I guess I'm learning to recognize it. It takes a lot more confidence to be meek. Somehow, we often associate the loudest voices to be the leader of the group, but my heart is more easily swayed by someone confident in his knowledge, and humble about it. Because it is very easy to engage in battle (which is something I like to do), but it's very hard to hang back and see how the battle goes first. The meek..

The meek also makes me recall a certain annoying Magic: The Gathering card called Meekstone.
Which is a really annoying card.

So that's something cleared up I guess.