Staring into space.
Just stared into space moments ago, and let my eyes defocus from everything like I usually make them do. Strangely today I felt something different. There was suddenly this distinction between the foggy outside, and the clear inside. Straining to look through the fog and not seeing, I realized that I could look within as well, on the wrong side of those eyes.
What do I see?
A tunnel of clarity and humanity. The deep dripping red and pulse of a human, and his skeletons.
Once again
Well well blog, once more I write after a long hiatus. Not having much time to blog now, been busy with many many things, been thinking a whole lot as well. But I guess I've got to update you once in a while with what's happening in my life.
Lately I've been falling in love with music all over again. I don't know why when I make a pretty bad musician. I hate practicing the same thing over and over again, and I get the feeling it's not the music I want to play. I don't want to play the same scores over and over again. I wanna play as part of a band, as part of a collective!
I think the same philosophy applies to my salsa.. I don't want to salsa alone. I want to salsa and find that perfect someone that will respond to me and inspire me.
I think that's what I'm looking for all this while. Inspiration. I've been spending money buying things, and looking around for people to be inspired by, and I've found them, but I'm not sure how to take the next step. How to take that inspiration and turn it into something solid.
How to turn an inspiration into an obsession.
I think I need to beat something. I need to beat I need to beat I need to beat.
I've also been studying Weiqi, and it's been good at keeping me more at ease with myself. It's nice for once using the pure brainpower to achieve a balance with the opponent. It's really amazing how the handicap system and the komi system comes together to give both sides a decent game after the score's been counted. How each stone placed well works with other stones to achieve this harmonious picture.
I was thinking of merging salsa with Weiqi tomorrow at the Weiqi Association. Maybe I'll try it if someone would be kind enough to play me.
I think life is about balance. It's about balancing getting good with humility, pain with release, it's like the times I often feel lonely, then I get out more, and I find new friends. And the cycle just repeats. Like when I meet a new salsa follow, and she's just starting on her learning journey, and I'm like in the middle of it, and as we dance, I feel like I'm just starting too.
I think I tend to mediocrity. Somehow I lack that certain push to be really good at something. I need to be really good at something instead of being ok at most things.
I don't think I need a bigger brain, but boy, that brain has to really work hard. And I'm not. I think NS has beaten it out of me. The need to really work hard.
It's hard when every day it's the same old same old. And that you can't do too well otherwise the other people don't even know what you're saying. Like sometimes, you can read a position so far in Weiqi, but the opponent just doesn't want to make the right move and you just crush him. But then he doesn't understand why he just died, and you don't kill him on the spot and then he makes this brilliant move and he lives again.
It's the regenerating unkillable giant.
I hate sex. Why can't the world be gender neutral. I hate sex because I love women, and I want to be around women and I don't want them to fall in love with me because decent women shouldn't fall in love with slobby guys like me. It's like I now totally understand a certain girl who once said to me I love guys, but only if they're gay, and if they're gay they won't like me anyway, so I have to become a guy for them to like me.
It's just wrong to divide the world into two halves, like male and female, day and night.
I need to work again. wish me luck. bye blog.
Quiz! On Geri's blog.
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