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Monday, March 29, 2004

The Mixed Messenger
Deliberate Brutal Love Dreamer (DBLDm)


Just...take...the...fucking...flower...darling. The Mixed Messenger apologizes again.

You're looking for love, but you'll always maintain your independence. You're prepared for a real commitment, but it's also likely that you're ambitious, which creates a certain romantic tension and ambivalence within you. So although you can be very affectionate to someone, you are also capable of pulling some dubious shit.

Your exact opposite:
The Playboy

Random Gentle Sex Master
In a relationship, you're usually the emotional leader. With your friends, you're a little bit more part of the pack. You're well-liked but you're not the uninhibited type, so the spotlight's often on someone else. In both social and romantic situations, however, you almost always get what you want. Influencing people is something you do very well.


ALWAYS AVOID: The Playstation, The Peach

CONSIDER: The Priss

Friday, March 19, 2004

I can't do it. The more I fill in Scholarship Application forms, the more I feel like I'm signing all my happiness away.

Hidden emotions threaten to flood and reduce me to quivering mess. I just want to feel and be happy. Just feel and be happy.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

Hmm I wonder what happened to daph. She seems to have fallen the face of this earth.

Sometimes I wonder if people nowadays have forgotten about style, and the freedom of.

Perhaps I wonder. Perhaps I wonder.

Well glad Christie liked the book. It was one of those spur of the moment things while lying in bed and trying to use up all my leftover materials. I still have 2 MDF sheets ( soon to be joysticks) a good supply of hard blue styrofoam, some balsa and few sheets of paper. Oh what am I am I to do now? Oh and there are a few electronic parts and 3 unfixed joysticks. Lala.

*hug me*

Life's a silly road leading leading you down the same path with the same arrows to break free you must walk the path till there are no arrows then find yourself unable to do anything, unable to move forward nor back, just sideways forming a circle around the solution, just circling, circling, circling around the answer, but you can never reach it, even though you know an answer exists, you can see them there not too far away just within reach enjoying freedom and all the fruits and pleasures and colours, oh all those colours like a dartboard, or a flower as it appears to bees saying look at me look at me, sweet nectar ahead for free, and thus lured, you forget about the arrows about the directions or the lack of them just momentum, movement, inertia bringing you from the outside to the inside like bees crashing through the foilage of pink petals, to the nectar they cry, and you cry too because you're now there, you're finally where you want to be, and you cry too for all the time you've wasted following directions and reading the signs, because the signs were in your own heart, you've got to say you want to I need to let me in to the place the place I can't stand it any longer watching from afar let me in heart soul mind body let me join you now.

And then you're in.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

I wonder if it's cliched to start a sentence with the words "I wonder".

I wonder if it's done on purpose.

I wonder if I'll enjoy starting half my one-sentence paragraphs and a quarter of my longer ones with the words "I wonder".

Sunday, March 14, 2004

Photography? A career?

Just went to this wonderful talk at the Singapore History Museum at Riverside Point. Talk on Fashion photography in our own backyard where this fashion photographer shares with us the works he has done in Singapore, and what can be done in Singapore.

Well he has the ambition to be a porn star, and I did like a few of his sexy works (of pretty models). I wouldn't mind working for that end. To produce pretty forgettable images.

Still it does make me uneasy sometimes. When is it okay to treat people like a piece of canvas? When is it okay to cajole people to take sexy images that may or may not reflect their true personality? Is photography all about lies? About sex? About glamour? I'm not sure if I can be one to live a lie, nor obsess over the reflections on someone's boobs, nor make them grab their tits, have a fake orgasm, hop around in underwear. But hey, if it's fashion, if it shocks and arouses why not?

He said, a good photographer must take charge over the whole process. He must know what images he wants to create, and see it in his mind. He must bring out what his client wants. In other words, he must lie.

I wonder if the celebrity world is all about sex.

I wonder if the media is all about sex.

I wonder if I'll enjoy working with sexy girls half naked, drawing my images on them like they were just pieces of paper, cajoling out from them the image I want, no matter if it would reflect good or bad on their image.

We should have fun in life.

We should just hang loose. Be ourselves, do what we like with passion. Draw, paint, photograph, write. What is life when we live with so much fear all the time? What is life if we fear to do the things we like?

Saturday, March 06, 2004

I can't blog in the morning. Damn.

Anyway 4A A2 for GP. I've typed it so often already for the past day. It's a mini miracle, considering I've NEVER once passed chem, and previous grades were BEOO, and BCDO. Of course, I slogged my guts out, but it's nice to be recognized for effort.

Suxin! :D happily!

IB. the main futility of the logical process is that deep down inside, our hearts influence what we can or cannot accept as true, even if logic tells us otherwise. Sometimes I don't believe what I logically conclude. Sometimes I don't even follow the results of my own argument. Arguments are meant to be watertight. Life however, is but impulsive moment to impulsive moment, with lots of reminiscing and maudlin in between.

Maudlin's an interesting word by the way. You might like it suxin.

Friday, March 05, 2004

A levels A levels! ARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!
argument! fight fight!

Daph. I was refering to cycling along East Coast Park. It'll be nice if I could scorch asphalt one day, but I doubt so.

I wanna go LONDON! Go see the world! But money no enough.
SAVE SAVE!

Any sponsors out there?

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

i don't. i want to sit in the middle of the road and not have to worry that some speedster is going to come barbequeing the tar.

Monday, March 01, 2004

The urge to cycle, the urge to write and the urge to think

I want to fly on wheels through the night like a dagger cutting up the black asphalt lined roads. Leaving a trail of transient light and shattered roadways.

Remembered an old friend today, to aid my thinking, nothing better than white paper, a fountain pen, and black ink.

If nobody believes what you believe, is it a legitimate belief? How is one led to believe something unless someone else has told it to you?

You can believe something entirely new by synthesis from your own experiences and from your own testing out of other people's beliefs. It's the scientific process, to prove that which you believe is right, first from experience and disbelief, then to rationalization and experimentation, then to synthesis of belief, then to practical application of that belief to make sure it's right.

Can love be defined and recognized when you see it? Must love be moral in the absence of a moral standard? Does the concept of love change in time? Is there a global definition or is it entirely personal? Is it possible to love someone without liking them? Could sex and love be the same thing?

Any concept can be defined. Love is something we've observed and experienced in our youth. I feel that love is simply the social need in man. First love between mother and child, love between father and child. Love between friends in school. First romantic love between child and member of opposite gender. The interest in the differences between genders. Shame, seperation of genders as the child approaches puberty. Encouragement of courtship as they reach puberty. Marriage. And the cycle repeats.

We all have memories of couples even in kindergarten or nursery. I think the image is modelled upon our own parents. Two people of opposite genders make up a couple. That couple is exclusive, and will end up having babies. That is love to me at it's most basic. The human need for another person of the opposite gender in a relationship, understood by all other members of society, for the purpose of making babies. Notice even homosexual couples try to fufil this definition, in various ways allowed for by society. I think this is as general as we can get to love.

The morality thing is from western thought. I think love is seperate from morality. I think love is just a relationship. Morality is just the generally accepted rules of relationships. It is accepted by the majority. But that doesn't mean the minority is not entitled to follow their own rules if most members would accept those rules.

The definition of love has changed. It has changed as society has become more complicated, more modern. Birth control means that sex need necessarily not lead to babies, unlike the past. One can engage in the fun of making babies without actually going to the pain of producing them. Babies are a choice, not a given. Some people can now define love as the satisfaction of physical need. Sex without commitment. However, I have read reports of couples regretting their choice not to have babies when they've become old. Perhaps the need for babies is also an inseperable part from the idea of love, the idea of a family.

My definition would allow the idea of loving someone without liking them. And there are couples in the world, and in history, where successful families were created from parents that didn't like each other initially. There is a difference between not liking each other, and disliking each other, although we commonly use them as one and the same. The lack of like isn't dislike. You could be neutral, neutral-receptive.

Sex is a part of love, under my definition. But sex is not love, and love not necessarily leads to sex. It's more of the human companionship, and that there are many ways of having an exclusive relationship besides sex. It's just that sex is the ultimate act between couples. It signifies that both parties love each other and are willing enough to start a family and have babies. It seals the contract. That is, until birth control came along.