Been working myself too hard, trying too hard, and wondering whether or not to pursuit my dreams or not.
As Gabriel always said, I wanted my cake and eat it. The whole of it. - a future loving relationship, academic excellence, compassion, beauty, brains, all of it. And I had to work for it.
So now I'm so very very tired from the indigestion of it all.
Went to the bathroom and after I just got out of the bath, still dripping wet, I could hear shouts from a neighbour's house. Another one of
those domestic quarrels...But to me suddenly it wasn't just any domestic quarrel, to me it was a sudden burst of inspiration again to want to
right all the social problems in the world.
Naive, insane but nonetheless me.
Suddenly I realized why I was working so hard, striving so hard, and why I even started on this crazy ambition to do well in every single aspect of my life.
The screams and cries of the little child just made me stop short of wiping myself dry. I couldn't move for about 5 mins. I was just totally paralysed.
Totally horrified at the insensitivity of the world that is too used to going "It is none of my business, it is none of your business. Why should we care?"
But we do care you see...is it possible to not care? Isn't it a very human emotion to care? Isn't that how God created us?
I could hear every single lament of the raving mad and incoherent wife/mother. She was screaming at her husband apparently, who didn't raise his voice. But I guess
that he had no right to. From the shouts apparently he was having some affair and only came back at about 5 am in the morning.
But then the person who was really crying his/her eyes out was this child! It was the kid dammit! And well, at last he did speak up. Just one shout "Just stop it will you?!"
And then I just got so freaking pissed but still just stood in the bath, not moving. Just thinking.
It is a rather weird thing to be affected by another family's quarrels and abuse. But the even weirder thing was that I felt my old gift coming back. The gift to always be able to see all sides of a story, happy or sad. To feel the whelve of emotions and thoughts coming from every single person in the family who was suffering and to "hear" their sides of the story. That gift that is usually only used for putting both sides of an argument down during a GP essay...
I distinctly heard the sound of a cane.
But that just isn't the point.
So I am different from the rest of the Singaporean population in that I actually cared? Am I?
Why did God create me in such a way, that I had to care so much that my eyes grow so sad.
The point is that I'm still working hard for an impossible cause.
But I guess I can relate you see...thing was I was rather...different.
I never cried out for help when I was a child. It was just all inside, in the tears and those sad mature eyes, too old for my age.
And thus I'm going off to school again...that plodding path, just so that perhaps one day I'd be capable enough to help.
If not the whole world, then maybe just a few people. I think that's what God wants me to do...
Suddenly I realize why Singaporeans smile so little on the streets (they actually just want to keep all the unhappiness and resentment inside don't they? They don't want other people knowing about their broken marriages/families or sad lives)
and why I'm always grinning like some stupid idiot even when I'm depressed.
It's because I still hope for so much. They go through shit as well, and then most give up, resigned to the world and their unhappy, unsatisfactory lives.
Yeah, even after all that shit in my life I still hope for so much. I am such an idiot.
Do all of you hope as well? What are your plans for your future? Does anyone else actually even want to right the wrong in this world?
posted by Geraldine @ 6:45 am
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