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Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Humanity and Reality

Today I did a good deed. I bought tissues from this old lady selling them.
Today someone did a good deed for me. I was sneezing pretty badly, and this old lady came up to me to sell me tissues.

Somehow, one is conditioned by parents, by society to not want to buy things from people who really need your money. Today I was just contemplating the purchase of a $850 dollar guitar. But when I really needed tissue for my runny nose, and when someone really needed my money (to lead her life), i needed to think pretty hard about a dollar before saying yes. And before that, by reflex, i said no.

My post below is a little haughty. I tend to see things from my vantage point, where people have a decent place to stay, decent meals, earn a decent living, and have the freedom to pursue their interests, freed from responsibilities.

When a person has responsibilities, to keep his family fed, clothed and taken care of materially, does he have a purpose in life? And does that necessarily translate into happiness if he accomplishes all that?

I find it very... disturbing that here I am discussing the problem of happiness and satisfaction in life with a tool that probably costs more than what some people earn in a year. And to these people, having the tool, or the money to buy this tool, is probably a much much greater happiness than I could ever experience.

I'm talking about things absolutely, but actually, humans are relative. Happiness is related proportionally to desire and effort. The more effort you put into something and the more you want it, the happier you should be. But the happiness of two different people cannot be directly compared. Because it is a relative.

But money is absolute.

So maybe we should exchange the absolutes for the relatives. Exchange money for happiness, exchange time for friendships. Seek a balance.

Anyway weiqi today was horrible. I couldn't play the teacher at all! He was all over the board and I was just trying my best to hold my seeds together. but one too many cutting points later, and too little space claimed by me, and it was all over. Balance!

Never Let Me Go

It's on days like this when the horror of your existence descends upon you and grips you. There is nothing left to do. Nothing more that can be done.

I took a long think today, just sitting at the office looking at the pages of the book When We Were Orphans, and exploring someone else's worldview for a while. And the result of my thoughts were that really, we live for no real purpose.

After analyzing myself, I see myself doing all these activities to "keep myself busy", to do "something I enjoy". But do I really need all these activities? Am I not doing these activities just to kill time?

It's like school is the killer of childhoods. But what kind of childhoods would we have had without school? Where does one learn to find pleasure? We live in a world of illusions. The pleasure that we seek is in our minds. The respect and recognition of other people are as illusory as smoke, and as transient. Our inner selves are insatiable. Our stomachs, our minds, our groins. Will there ever be a day when they are satisfied?

Never Let Me Go suggests that if we knew how long our lifetimes would be, we would find living meaningless. Is that true? Would you bother to put in effort to live? To learn? To integrate yourself into social circles? Or spend your lives earning boatloads of money? How would you lead your lives if from the day you were born, everyone around you, and you yourself, knew that you were to die when you reach 30.

What's the purpose of all this pain and misery in the world? Why do we try when we die eventually no matter what? Perhaps we should enjoy our time in the sun when there are centuries of soil waiting for us beneath our feet. Perhaps there is nothing better to do than spend your lives in the service of a "higher" goal, be it Religion, Race, Nationality.

Perhaps it's better to live a lie, and face the truth when you die.

This brings me to Buddhism. What does it actually say about the meaning of life? I remember this monk telling me that everything is empty. I realize it now rationally, I think I do realize it emotionally. But how many people actually do? How many people out there need to believe in something? How many people out there need to perform rituals, dances, sacrifices to satisfy their ego's need to do something?

I guess when you strip it down to that, when you strip it down to the ego, and the belief of one's self importance in life. Maybe, just maybe I'll learn to give up my ego. I wonder if I will be happier that way. I wonder if happiness as a feeling could ever be found again.

After all, once you realize the truth of the meaninglessness, how can anything you do be meaningful?

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Happy Birthday Guit!

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to my Epiphone Les Paul Standard Steal at $400 with Vintage Sunburst Colour and Very VERY very nice sounds!
Happy Birthday to you!