I cannot sleep. I don't feel happy. And the isolated spurts of happiness are all but clouded, shrouded in deep dark mist. It's 1.46am. Being with you is always a happy thing. But underlying that, always, are the various unsettlements. Whether you love me, wether anything could come from it. And I look back at the happy days, of already extinct simplicity. And the days you were online. And I'd wonder, where did you go.
Love is greed. And I'm trying my best to be gracious, to be ungreedy, to leave you a path to change your mind. But when you do, or start to, all it does is cause me confusion. To throw me violently and viciously back to the big D.
Sleepless tonight. It's 1.52am.
Wanted to meet you, half knowingly that we might never survive another week of school. Tired, sick in the heart, wanted to tell you myself what I actually feel, fall into your arms, hold you, dance with you, kiss you, and spend that last day memorably. But it seems we'll never get a chance to. It's all my fault isn't it? All mine and the cruel arms of fate.
But deep down, I do know that paths cross, meet, and fade. And perhaps its the end of ours. I'm tired. Really really tired of it all. Really really nauseous. is this lovesickness? Or is it just the breakup that never was.
If you had known it'd come to this, would you have done it? People love you. You know they do. And i know people love me too. Perhaps less strongly. I don't know. Part of me hates this tortured existence. Yet another part of me savours the pain, savours every moment, every memory, like a leech that lives on bad blood.
I feel like calling you. Right now, at 2.01am. But I shan't, for you might be sleeping soundly, and dreaming of him. And where would I be then? I don't wanna disturb your dreams. They'll always be beautiful dreams. Always.
It's weird... the place I'm standing on now. A middle ground, a no man's land. Not a lover, not a boyfriend, just a friend. Yet that lie rankles with something inside. Would anyone breakup with someone else beacause of a friend? Or am I just another milestone in your continuing relationnship. Just a stone on your shared path, placed so you would trip, and allow your love to grow stronger? Can I even qualify for friend? For bringing all of us such misery?
Resting now, almost at peace, like all those times I had you sitting next to me, shoulders touching, feeling your warmth. Feeling your heavy head rest on my hard shoulders, and feeling your head rise with my every breath. That slow easy rhythm. Without a care in the world. Just sitting together. Good friends don't have to say a word to each other. The conversation's all in the silence isn't it?
And the doubts in my head. All the doubts in my head. And I can imagine, all the doubts running in yours. And its probably one of those things that come with an over fertile imagination, or the feeling that you think very much like me. I tried to see you again, like the last time, reminiscing over the phone. And that time at Sunway Lagoon, and the dinners together, the nights studying in school, and the tution sessions, and the assorted moments of fun, and the time where you got food poisoning. And dance lessons, and pool. And I'm sure many many more events both in choir, and in church. Your lives are so intertwined it's almost impossible for you to pull free. Not that I'd ever think you'd want to. Not if I were you, and I shared those experiences with you.
And so it boils down to this... this harsh reality. That i'll never be able to have the same depth of memories that you'd have with him. Being someone that holds on to the past so dear, I can never make you happier than he can make you. I can never turn the clock back. All we had was two months. And all our fun was in the last month. A last month. Only 30 days. I wish we had more, much much more. What makes me sad, is not the fact that you still have tinges of regret. It's just that question always spinning in my mind, what if I'd known you sooner, befriended you right at the start of last year, when I first met Gabriel. What if we were the ones with the happy times, and the beautiful memories. What if you joined band instead of choir, and i'd have known you sooner? What if I'd done what my heart cried out so loudly for me to do, and take Arts... We'd have been in the same class, cos I wanted Geog Lit... What if... What if... What if... What would a year have been like? A whole year like the last two months? Without the burden of memories, and a prior relationship. Just two happy lovers going about creating memories, creating a home for themselves.
And its that thought that troubles me most. Like a track that I could have taken, a tiny taste of that track that could have brought me bliss. Just like what VJC was, a 3 month affair that's still worth remembering and reminiscing. And yet, its a doomed track. Not of my conscious choice, but of this many armed monster called Fate. Or God if you'd prefer.
Feeling better. 2.41am. Time passes quickly in front of my iMac.
And more and more and much much more.
And the strength of attraction between two seemingly unrelated peoples. And the books we read being such close parallels. And our common tastes when we go shopping. and your knowledge of Tanabata (The seventh night of July by Itaru Sakai), and if I was a Euphonium and you a Saxaphone, we could play the love theme together. And the way I can recognize John William's music, and the way you love the Harry Potter album. And our love of Jazz, and singing together. I haven't danced with you. Perhaps that's one regret. But more and more and much much more. When I reminded you of your chilhood with chinese songs, and shared with you all the distractions normal kids do. And that sleepover night when I was really scared. And you were the only human in any sort of contact.
Perhaps I should ask you for more time, more more much more time together, to find out if we're fated, to see if it is the hand of God that brings us together. But we have no time. And you have no time. And if we wait, and cool, and see if we're still attracted, the A levels would be upon us. And then NS, and then Uni. Such is the future. Short is it's length.
Tonight I'm very calm. at 2.56am. No longer the weeping wildness of the past. Just a sense of purpose, as if I've already reached a milestone, already arrived. And nothing I do now can change the path I'm taking. All I'm doing perhaps, is just recording, and writing, and keeping my memories of tonight straight. Just doing a little book keeping.
Wanted to dedicate you a song tonight. Was singing it in bed. I've posted the lyrics before, during the crazy crazy times.
Good Morning Heartache - Laura Fygi.
Written by Drake-Higginbotham-Fisher
Good morning heartache, you old gloomy sight
Good morning heartache
Thought we said goodbye last night
I tossed and turned until it seemed that you had gone
But here you are with the dawn
Hoo, wish I'd forget you, but you're here to stay
It seems I met you, when my love had gone away
I start each day out just by saying to you
Good morning heartache, what's new
Stop haunting me now, can't shake you no how
Why don't you just leave me alone
I've got those Monday blues
Straight through Sunday blues
Good morning heartache, here we go again,
Good morning heartache
You're the one who knew me when
I guess I might as well get used to you hanging around
Good morning heartache, I see you're back in town
Good morning heartache, sit down
And I couldn't have dedicated this song to you if I didn't go for the Govt Internship, and met Kevin Tan, and heard this song, and had that whole two weeks of absolute isolation, except for your comforting presence, both online and in person. And this song would be Kevin's wedding song. And I'm using it here again, in happy circumstances. Happy because it's not a sad thing. It's not a sad thing at all.
Good night. It's 3.17am. As always, wishing you happiness.
posted by Downhere. @ 3:17 am
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