Music
I'm really thankful I'm doing music again, thanks to sam and claire and melissa. And of course anthony and patrick. Really interesting to talk to anthony because he told me that it's about.. connecting with people.
That this connection is something that we need to build as artists and as human beings.
I wonder why this thought floated up, but it was a pretty noble thought to have. Sometimes material contentment must be matched with spiritual contentment.
Yes!
Yes daphne! Argh! I'm ashamed to declare that I haven't ever read Hamlet yet or your lonely bones reccomendation. Will Find Time.
But yes yes.. And no no..
Urgh daph. You put things into perspectives that are so different and yet so right. I thought at first you were alluding to the mortal coil idea, that we are restricted because we exist, and we just want to break free. But we can't because if we lose our existence, we lose our individuality, and then what is there to break free of?
Such a horrible paradox.
But no.. you mean different don't you? The man in the dream is me. Because while I dream, I retain my individuality and my freedom at the same time. I am free to be myself and who I want to be, as long as my actions and thoughts and feelings are of no consequence to the real world. And is it not like Hamlet?
Again I haven't read the play but from recollections...
Like how Hamlet slowly goes mad, and yet all that he does, and all that he sees, the dead king, his hatred of women, it's all in his mind but it doesn't change anything in reality. His wife still sleeps with his uncle who holds the throne, and some girl is still smitten with him no matter what he does. Gallant knight at night, keeper of the truth. But madman in the day.
Alone Again, Naturally
Alone Again, Naturally
(Gilbert O'Sullivan)
In a little while from now,
If I'm not feeling any less sour.
I promised myself, to treat myself,
And visit a nearby tower ..........
And climbing to the top,
Would throw myself off,
In an effort to, make clear to whoever,
What it's like when your shattered .......
Left standing in a lurch,
In a church with people saying .....
My God, that's tough, she stood him up,
No point in us remaining .......
I may as well go home,
As I did on my own,
Alone again, naturally.
To think that only yesterday,
I was cheerful, bright and gay.
Looking forward to, and who wouldn’t do,
The role I was about to play.
But as if to knock me down,
Reality came around,
And without so much as a mere touch,
Cut me into little pieces.
Leaving me to doubt, all about God and His mercy,
Oh, if He really does exist,
Why did He desert me?
And in my hour of need,
I truely am, indeed,
Alone again, naturally.
It seems to me that there are more hearts,
Broken in the world that can’t be mended,
Left unattended, what do we do?
What do we do?
Now looking back over the years,
And whatever else that appears.
I remember I cried when my father died,
Never wishing to hide the tears.
At sixty-five years old,
My mother, God rest her soul,
Couldn’t understand why the only man,
She had ever loved had been taken.
Leaving her to start, with a heart so badly broken,
Despite encouragement from me,
No words were ever spoken.
And when she passed away,
I cried and cried all day,
Alone again, naturally .....
Alone again ................................. naturally.
Hmm kinda sleepless at 2.30am again, with this song running through my head. I just love the chord changes in this song, even though it's so infuriatingly hard to play. I actually fell in love with the Vonda Shepard version, because she sings it so much more emotionally, but I think Gilbert's aloofness is also another interpretation of it.
Been jamming with different people, I was just saying that I never really understood music until i started to play it with other people. It's just so strange playing music on my own. Listening to the recordings of us jamming, it's nice in a way, yet you can also be horribly critical on yourself. Frankly, the first time I heard myself on recording, I didn't know I sounded like that. At least my mum liked it. Mums are nice ego boosting things to have.
And so music and biochemistry have been taking over my life again. Meeting Fadhly again after so long (we were classmates in Secondary 1 and 2), reminded me of the different path I could have taken, playing together with Claire and hearing her emote her songs live, also showed me the gulf between her and me, between those who can really sing and really care, and those who just try to hold a tune.
I think I'm rambling. Forgive me because I haven't been regularly blogging and it's all going to come out in a meaningless chunk, unorganized.
I was tutoring my kids again, Colin and Benjamin, and teaching Colin how to write good paragraphs. And his English guide to story writing had this thing called Topic Sentences. Which was this thing I totally didn't get in Sec 1 and 2 myself, but I could explain it to him, this primary three kid, in terms that he could understand. How could I explain something I didn't even understand myself then, and how did I manage to understand it without thinking about it after so long. I think I'm still as foolish as I was then. Except in the past, being foolish was a matter of course. And in the present, being foolish is foolish.
Fadhly played an amazing series of fights with me at the Bugis arcade after the jamming session, and I could see all that concentration and practice in his moves. I started a few games to warm up, cos I'm not very familiar with fighting games, and he later revealed that he was analysing the way I played and adapted as I got more familiar with the character. Later, someone challenged him who played better than him and beat him, and he was all happy and pumped up by it. So much so that he didn't want to leave.
I was just thinking, that's how it is isn't it? We're all competitive creatures (me too, I hid some special combos to surprise him :P but he was better), and we work really hard to be the best. But sometimes we reach a level where we are so high above that nothing really excites us anymore. And to face competition at that level, is not something annoying, but genuinely motivating. Genuinely exciting, and something that one can never imagine cheating on.
I feel very lonely sometimes. Looking at all the things I've tried my hand at, I really wonder who I'm competing against at times. Am I competing at the highest level? Do I deserve to think of myself as being up there? And the answer is infuriatingly no. Listening to Queen on loop it kinda summarizes the feeling in my mind.
We are the champions - Queen
I've paid my dues -
Time after time -
I've done my sentence
But committed no crime -
And bad mistakes
I've made a few
I've had my share of sand kicked in my face -
But I've come through
We are the champions - my friends
And we'll keep on fighting - till the end -
We are the champions -
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions - of the world -
I've taken my bows
And my curtain calls -
You brought me fame and fortuen and everything that goes with it
-
I thank you all -
But it's been no bed of roses
No pleasure cruise -
I consider it a challenge before the whole human race -
And I ain't gonna lose -
We are the champions - my friends
And we'll keep on fighting - till the end -
We are the champions -
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions - of the world -
I'm trying my best to be that ideal competition. I want to be your best friend and your worst enemy. I want to challenge the whole human race! And I want us to win together!
It gives me a headache just thinking about it. But I do. I want to be a champion in all ways. I want to understand everything in this world and talk to everyone as intimately as possible about everything. My profession, and my choice of study and my interests don't define me at all. It is what I want to achieve and who I want to be that defines me. I am who I am and nothing less. And you who challenges me is nothing less either.
I really don't know what's the point of this post, but in my mind I have a mental picture that describes it. It's a picture of a log, and within this log, the soft insides are gradually eaten away by grubs, leaving a thin guitar like structure. And when this is finally done one day, and the guitar is what the log once was, the guitar will be strung and this guitar will roar.
I'm seriously not making sense. And I've forgotten quite a number of things again.
Maybe it comes down to what is life about.
Some people aim to "lose" as little as possible.
Some people aim to "give their all" to someone or something.
Some people aim to "please".
Some people aim to reach an arbitrary level of wealth
Some people aim to "be important"
Some people aim to be "wise"
Some people aim to be "happy"
Some people aim to make the people around them "happy"
Some people aim to "be the best at something"
Some people aim to "develop a philosophy"
Some people aim to "develop an emotion"
Some people aim to "connect with people"
And it goes on.
An impossible amount of arbitrary goals. Everyone's his own hero isn't it? In the end, we are all winners because we win by our own definitions. Everyone's a success in the end as long as they learn to raise themselves to a higher level or bring their inner bar down.
Is this the world we created By Brian May and Andrea Corr. She's really hot, but it's quite disturbing the way she licks her lips when singing about food. Her singing is amazing. But Brian's guitar playing just shows his maturity and sensitivity... I wish there was more Freddie Mercury.
I don't know how to end this. So begone!
Haha
Well I was jamming over the weekend at Fort Canning and uh.. haha I got inspired to write a song. Well so this is my first song I think and it's probably super corny but...
Put my helmet on.
When I was 18, the army called me
Then I went to BMT.
There were bullets flying everywhere.
My country gave me a helmet for safety.
First time I went to the battle field,
Oh army friends, they dragged me there
What a wonderful place with music and dancing.
Oh yeah, I had a great time there.
Fell in love the first time I saw her,
Didn't know she had gonorrhoea.
Brought her back to my place for a little chat,
And I went to war without my hat.
La la la Ooooohh oooh I'll put my helmet
La la la ooooooohh ooh I'll put my helmet
La oh Laa ooooh oooh I'll put my helmet
Onnnnn
Okay there's a middle part missing, and it's kinda written in 5 mins kind of thing. B ut I'll edit it when I get home later.
Music
~~~~~
I don't know how I can leave you,
I don't know how to let you go.
A sudden breath of memory, my longing chokes the air
My longing chokes the air
~~~~ Magic Hour (2005) by Claire Chun
It's been good days with music. I really miss it. And I'm really happy to be back.
But what makes me happier is actually playing songs that mean something to me,
not because it was played on the radio or written by someone far away and could never
ever know how I feel.
But songs written by naive people, clinging on to the old belief that songs should be revealing.
I can't think of something nice to write, my words pale in comparison to the brightness of hers.
8pm Fort Canning 18 June 2006
In Love
I just bought myself a second hand Fender Stratocaster, and I'm very broke now, but it's worth it!
Because I'm absolutely in love with it. I can't help caressing it and playing on it. Was just listening to it through my favourite headphones, and it's like listening to that older wiser mself that I always thought i had.
There's something about music that moves me, and rationally, it just feels sounds so silly. How can a sound move someone? How can it evoke all sorts of emotions in a person if we've never heard that sound before... But I was out shopping for guitars the other day, and I just heard one or two that simply screamed buy me!!! Buy me!!! I don't know.. have you ever cried upon hearing a single note? I think I was the first one to just get stunned at Swee Lee.
There are just so many good guitars out there. So many different sounds that are just so moving. How can one find time to listen and appreciate them all? And in the sea of sounds, how does one find your own voice?
I heard three amazing sounds while guitar shopping. Four actually, but two of them were terribly similar. The first one I heard was the black Fender Stratocaster American Standard at Swee Lee. It's still available, but it's pretty expensive. This was the guitar that made me cry. Somehow just in that series of jazz chords, something shifted. Like I got drawn into the tone, and just got lost in my own thoughts for a second.
The second one was an original, worn 1962 Fender Stratocaster lying at Guitar Connection. I picked it up and just played a little series of chords, and the feel of that neck spoke volumes. Somehow it felt so exquisite that I didn't rush through my song, and played it gently, thoughtfully. It just gave a very solid, mature feel, even though the guitar body's paint was rubbed off at parts by normal wear and tear. Very clear, crisp precise sound. However, I didn't like the way the chords sounded, very thin and indistinct.
I chanced upon the third one by chance, when I was on the way back to pick up the guitar I finally bought, I played the guy's other collection of guitars, and there was this Tom Anderson guitar he had, with only 3 tones, but each tone was marvellous. The tone was beyond this world. Both clear and powerful at the same time. Soothing. It was a more Telecaster style body though, and hollow, so it probably won't have suited the genre of music I like to play. But the sound... oh the sound...
And the last is the guitar sitting in my room right now. I didn't like it at first. I thought it sounded really mainstream, and not as crisp and clear as I would have liked. Of course, the day before I played guitar two, which was beyond this world kind of expensive (the same price as a car), so it quite coloured my expectations of how a guitar should sound like. But I had a suspicion that the guy's equipment tended to colour the sound a little bit, so I bought it on a chance that I would grow to like it on my own equipment.
It doesn't have the complexity of the Tom Anderson (a sound which I still think about!) or the mature feel of the 1962 Strat, but then again, it's price wasn't as high as the both of them either. It has a nice tone, no doubt about it, and of course, it fits in with the newer genre of music, and it sings in it's own little way. It's a nice little voice, which will probably sound better after a few years of playing and a bit of wear and tear on it's body.
I don't believe in the taking care of objects with lots of wrap and skins and leather cases. I think everything in this world is designed to last with human use. Look at the pyramids, look at the antique guitars, violins.. (Pianos always sound worse with age. So do drums). It's really a lot of natural selection in action. With human use, the bad ones get weeded away over time. The good ones stay and leave their names as collectibles and treasures. And I've been lucky so far. My iPod, which has no case, no leather cover, has never broken down, while my brother's, which is stuck under layers of plastic and this cloth cover, has broken down twice. The guitars that I do like to play, never have any problems. It's the ones that i don't like to play that end up with the warped necks and stuff.
I look around my house and it's just such a waste. So many little things that I could simply do without. So few meaningful objects that I know I'll still have 20 years from now. I'll still have my teapots, my weiqi board, a box full of letters and maybe my fountain pens. But what else in my house will still be around and treasured by me in 20 years? What else will still mean something to me and make me cry?
I just bought a good friend today. I hope 20 years later, she'll be like the one I played in the shop. A rock within the seas of change.
Random Thoughts
La~ la la lala la la, la la la la la la~
Darling, you're going to a place where I cannot follow.
If you go to heaven, and the one you love most in all the world isn't with you. Is it still heaven?
Why must we all aim to go to heaven? I want to go to hell because that's where my friends will be. That's where human nature is!
The best is yet to be.
Wii
I just saw the E3 footage of the Wii on youtube and I just can't help but feel excited about it. I think it'll open up lots of possibilities for disabled gamers, and I think it'll be possible for me to hack something up so my grandma can play games and not feel so bored at home. She has stroke on one half of her body so games are out cos she can only use half of it and most simple games only exercise your thumbs and not much else.
It would be good if you can use it as a sort of weight training tool as well. So that games can help you in life.
I think that's really important. Designers now are starting to fix real problems in the world. We're still interested in luxury for luxury's sake of course, look at the 3000 bux per squarefoot thing. 16 million dollars to live in a penthouse apartment, with bespoke services. But with the development of the 100USD laptop, (now increased to 140USD), and the development of a low cost interactive platform like the Wii, we are opening up the information world for more people to access.
Imagine a world without YouTube, MSN, Download services, SMSes, E-Mails. And imagine living in such circumstances and trying to compete with people who've used these things all their lives. Information and the access to it is the next barrier to wealth for poorfolk, and unlike access to schools, access to information is much cheaper and easier.
Still, we can do better as designers. We can always do better. We can make things more ergonomic, more suitable for all the different types of people out there. We design for the most average person, but what happens when we grow older and deviate further from the average? What if we lose an arm, a leg? How do we live in a world that assumes you are at least 1.5-1.7m tall, 40-80kg, right handed, mobile and literate? Is it a wonder then, that people who have accidents, who hurt themselves in the comfort of their own home, are largely deviations from this average person?
Of course, I'm not saying that we don't develop objects that are suitable for as many people as possible. That should be the object of design. But we should also consider the comfort or develop alternatives for the people who are not that average.
Up till now, I have no idea if flicking the switch down is supposed to turn the lights on or off by default. In Singapore flicking it down switches the lights on. How about England? America? I know in Australia, half my lights had to be switched on by flicking the switch up.
Urgh
Ugh.. One of my worst band practices ever... I just can't seem to get the right sound. And everyone's just very sick of the same song. I don't know. Maybe it's the exam stress starting to come on, but I'm sick I'm sick I'm sick and annoyed with everything.
Especially cos some of us put in so much effort for certain songs, and we just hope to get that tiny bit of pleasure from making a nice bit of music, and not everyone works as hard, but not everyone loves the same songs I do either.
How do you negotiate this.. give and take thing.. Like.. feel enthusiastic about someone else's song, even if your part may be terribly uninspiring. How do bands do it? To work together so well that every note is so important to them, and so meaningful, instead of an anything goes kind of jamming.
Maybe we're just not good enough.
