It doesn't matter where I am now, because I know where I want to be.
The voyage of discovery is not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.
Music and the meaning
Well, my uncle just got me a pair of monitor speakers over the weekend. Tascam VL-X5s that i've been eyeing for a while. My philosophy for audio stuff is that.. if the guy doing the recording spends his life practicing on a million dollar instrument, you might as well spending a few bucks listening to them in their full glory.
When you do, the music really moves you.
Actually I don't know what to type at this moment. I just turned off the music, and felt that I had to write something, anything. Maybe I should write about how far I am from that kind of music at this point, or how I can hear all the nuances that these monitors bring to me, or the meaninglessness I feel at my own existence now. I'm emotional and I know it. Maybe it's like music. We always had that potential in us, to hear, to experience the hyperreality, but we never do, until circumstances in our world change that awake these latent abilities in us.
My mind is whirling again and I feel sick. There is just SO MUCH information now available to me that I don't know what to do, or where to start. The information in those recordings I hear tell me, not only the expression that the artist is achieving, but also, the kind of techniques that I have to master to get there. I can almost see the bow in my mind's eye, or hear Yanzi breathing, and the vocal technique she's using at a particular passage. But it's too much information, too much that I can't ever achieve.
I've been talking to people much much older than me about life and death, about money and kinship, about health and sickness, about loneliness and friendship, work and hobby. I try to lift their spirits, to tell them what they need to know, sometimes I tell them what makes them feel better. But everyone needs someone to offer them an opinion.
Who offers me opinions?
I am losing the battle against my own impatience. I am jaded. It doesn't matter where I am or what I do. I'm tired.
And it's not because I don't have wonderful friends ( I do, I have amazing friends that make me happy at the most wonderful moments), or that I don't have wonderful performances to watch and music to experience, or that I don't have wonderful family and relatives that support all my little idiosyncracies.
I'm not in some overseas place, where I'm all alone, and cold, and its the start of another "adventure" - with resignation.
I don't know. I have nothing more to say. I'm going to go away now.
Exhausted
Just played through the Grade 1 Suzuki Violin book. I'm still unable to play the last two songs 16, and 17. But the whole exercise from start to end took me 2 hours and a headache.
It was great tho, to see songs that you were strugging with a month ago, breeze through like they were nothing. I'm starting to enjoy the violin more than the guitar too, since it seems that my fingers find the right note almost automatically, and the violin has the notes spaced really close together, so there's none of that awkward reaching.
Haven't really been practicing much tho, cos of school work. I'm trying to catch up, before the break starts, cos I really want to have a good break, but the pace seems to be speeding up. And I'm pretty sure my break will be used for reading ahead again, so that I will have some leeway to totally ignore class and study what I'm supposed to be studying.
How violin fits into this bleak future, I don't know.
I don't want to give up violin. I see myself making progress, and really, it's the right instrument for lonely nights, for when there is lamenting to be done. But well, if I screw this up, there is definitely lots of lamenting to do. It's a good break, but violin can be so exhausting too. The very power you have... is so hard to control.
