Meritocracy
Watching the people singing outside gave me a few strange thoughts:
1)Is a belief in God consistent with a belief in Meritocracy. (not saying that one is more correct than the other. They're both challenged around the world)
2)The way we worship has changed over the years, and it has gone from push(a single point of trusted content, or authority) to being more participatory. It's more like Youtube than it's ever been (in the sense that the community is involved in defining/creating the message).
3)There are certain nuances in almost everything that exist in our world, and only a few of us will see these hidden messages in almost everything we do. And because these messages are hidden, when we notice them, are they really there, or are they just in our heads?
4) Well nuances are just about reading the subtext isn't it. In a weiqi game, there's always the game that appears on the board, but there's also the game that appears in the players' heads. And what appears there, is a vision of the future (or two different futures), but one present. And everyone tries to realize their vision, but there is eventually only one reality, that is neither vision.
5) So in the weiqi game, it would appear that the strongest move to realize your vision would be best. But if you take the reality of the game, and see it as just a subset of the players' reality, then that would be a bad result.
6) One player wins, while the other loses, and the player that wins did not gain anything, while the player that lost did not learn anything
7) The right move in the bigger game, would be a move that stretches both players abilities, and makes them learn and discover and be stronger at the game of weiqi at the same time.
Mechanism
Hmm, today just heard that one of our lecturers lost her husband to the SARS episode. Yet she still gave us a wonderful series of lectures. I wonder what it's like to be her. To have to go on alone.
I guess we all understand the risks of our profession. But it never occurs to us that we might be one of the unlucky few percent to realize the risks. Even though we know, that there may be a 50% chance we might die (or some other figure), life is not fair. 50% of the population experience 100% of the risk. We can't all share the burden of death, we can't all be half dead.
This is the inequality of life. We can try to mitigate the impact of that with numbers, ratios, proportions, odds. But it hurts to know that some are lucky, and some are not. Even though we might all want to be equal, can we truly be equal when chance takes sides?
It's the same with us. We're the people chance has favoured, and it's our duty to hold our heads up high with the spoils of life. But we're not lucky in all things all the time. We aren't the top 5% in everything. There are times when we are stuck with the tragedies, times when we aren't exactly lucky. But we're the top 5%. We have to deal with the worst 5% with the strength that is expected of us, when what we really want is to fall and be comforted like the other 95%.
We can't.
We can't fail because we are the dreams of 95% of the population. We are the actors on a stage where the aspirations of an entire population fall upon. We can't appear weak, we can't take a break, we can't appear to waver.
So what does that leave us?
We have no exit. We have no retreat. We have no rest. More than anything, we become the cogs of society, the ones that have to keep moving, have to keep churning, have to keep up appearances. We're not irreplacable, we're not superhuman. But we do make the tradeoffs for the rest of you. So that you won't have to experience what we do.
The start of a medical year
Well, the new medical year has just started, and it's been quite a whirlwind of lectures and tutorials. It has been a big change from the hermitting of the last year, where there are now a hell of a lot of demands on my time, and a lot more tasks to accomplish, yet less time to rest and recover, and truly feel alive.
It's a change, but probably for the better, because now, I am eager to move on with my life, and do the things that need doing. The impetus of moving on is so strong, that I wish I could leap entire medical years in a single bound, or die trying.
On the violin front, I'm learning more about music studying violin in the past few weeks, than I ever did in a whole bunch of theory lessons. The sound of the practice muted violin is getting more agreeable to me now (I am coaxing nicer sounds out of it), while the unmuted violin sounds like a roar. I have found the perfect tension to set my bow at, even though it looks impossibly flimsy, it tracks like a champ, and moves like a magic wand. I am in tune! Only because I've spent the better part of the week looking at the tuner and the studies, playing the same few lines over and over again, and checking everything.
The bow feels like an extension of my hand. My elbows are moving in and out, in and out. My fingers press down more surely, and shift subtly when I am inaccurate. My wrist bends in the right direction, even though it is yet comfortable, each time i hear a false note, I redouble my efforts to keep it in line and accurate.
Right now, the violin is between the bow and me, and we're getting to know each other better and better. As Toon Li told me, maybe the reason why we fall in love with our instruments is because there is just so much about them and their personalities and quirks, we discover. I am falling now into the second camp, where I might use the same piece of kit forever and ever. But I know better now. :D At least this time, my kit is decent and I don't have to break off the relationship when the equipment no longer serves my purpose.
Violin
Well I've been reminded to blog so I will :D Haven't read the last entry, so I'll just start afresh for this post.
I've been learning the violin. It's quite strange to learn at 22 I think, but I've always wanted to play it ever since I played the synth patch on the Korg in Sec 2. Haha actually can't help but think that I've been preparing my whole life to start on violin now. Bow technique is similar to percussion, I've played bows on vibraphones before. Stopping is similar to guitar playing and singing, and the control of volume and tone is something I do while singing or playing the synths. The only difference is that no electronics stand between me and the sound on the violin. Just physics, and the manipulation of air.
The violin will be my second "real", "acoustic" instrument. Okay. Stringed instrument. The recorder and harmonica won't be counted. Neither will the drums.
I went bow shopping on my own a week back, haha told my mum I was going with a very professional friend, but actually it was just myself. Didn't want to waste someone else's time since I'm a very picky instrument shopper, even tho I'm not really even a beginner at the violin. Picking out a bow was really interesting. Each bow handles differently, and produces a different sound. Like a different personality. The most expensive ones really played a lot easier than the cheaper ones. I can see why someone might need a better one just so that he can stop thinking about the bow, and start thinking about the music.
I found a really good bow at the shop, for the price, it was reasonably worse than the 2k one i tried (Which was excellent). And I guess that's just fair. If you ask me what criteria i used to evaluate a bow, I couldn't tell you specifically. It's just the feeling of rightness. That what I'm holding is a proper bow. Still, I didn't know what other properties in a bow I might like, so I chose a slighty more jittery model, in case i needed those properties later in my studies. I laid out two "similar" models, and asked the shopkeeper to play both so I could listen to the sound. He helped me verify that the bow I liked was indeed superior to the others. Actually to me, it was so good that I just wanted to run out of the shop with it.
Violin wise, I got Joyce's beginner violin, which she has been playing in for about 6 years. I think if someone could stand hearing it for 6 years it must be pretty good, and I can stand hearing it too. There are some kinks in the sound that I'm trying to work out, but it probably costs lots of money, but I'm not in good financial shape right now. Basically there is a dip in the response of the violin in the C note on the A string. It's like the G string problem on the guitar i had. the G string was wayy louder than the other two strings around, except in the violin, the C note is much softer. I don't know why it only bothers me tho. It seems like everyone else around me can't hear it, probably cos the violin is freaking loud. Which is a good thing. More headroom to work out kinks. That's why i can't really use cheaper instruments. All the variations in sound quality across the register will drive me crazy! I like to think about the music, and not worry about whatever instrument i'm playing, and all its inconsistencies.
I guess that's just how I live my life. Some people choose instruments that they will get to know, and tolerate their inconsistencies. For these people, an instrument is something they work with, and develop a relationship with, and become inseparable with time. They would get to know the instrument, and through understanding and mastery of that particular flawed instrument, they will make great, wonderful music. I prefer to see instruments as a tool, not a relationship. My relationship is with music, and with the audience. The more balanced, the more neutral my instrument is, the better I like it, since it's like a pane of colourless glass, through which i can interact with the world of music directly. Hands, ears, violin, all merging into one machine with which i manipulate sound directly with my mind. And the sound moves the audience. I can sleep at night, knowing the sound comes completely from within me, and not distributed between two beings, one animate, one inanimate.
Playing music is an irrational activity for me. I have so much to learn to become the doctor I want to be. Music seems almost a trivial waste of time. Yet in the music, I hear the pulse of history, of ages past and present. I hear the emotions of man, and their cries, and their triumphant shouts. What more is man than emotion?
What more is man than emotion?
