Taking care of yourself.
Quote:
In a dialogue written at the end of the second century after death, Lucien presents us a certain Helmuttimus who walks mumbling in the street. One of his friend, Seamus, sees him, crosses the street and asks him, "What are you mumbling about."
And the answer comes, "I am trying to remember what I have to tell to my master and through the conversation between those two, we learn that Helmuttimus has been visiting his master for nearly 20 years, but has been nearly ruined by the very high cost of those precious lessons. And we learn that Helmuttimus may need 20 years more to arrive at the end of his training.
But we learn also what those lessons are about. Helmuttimus is taught by his master, how to take care of himself in the best possible way.
I am sure that none of you is a modern Helmuttimus. But I hold the bet that most of you have met at least one of those guys who nowadays regularly visit a kind of master who takes their money from them in order to teach them how to take care of themselves.
But, fortunately enough, I've forgotten the name of those modern masters in antiquity, they were cold philosophers.
UC Berkley Lectures - Michel Foucault
Updates
Wow, it's been a long time since I last blogged. Somehow, finding the time to put things down on blogger becomes harder and harder each day. There are times now, when the pressure gets to me and I start hallucinating, start microsleeping and being totally conscious of it. Times when I feel this other side of me just struggling to get out. The part of me that says "Routine is evil! Do something else with your life!"
All in all, life has been great besides the periods of time where everything seems to stop working. I don't know anything anymore. The longer I study, the more I study, it seems, the less i know. I don't even know if this all is just one big illusion or not. Sometimes I'm tired beyond all hope, sometimes I feel like I can take on the world. Sometimes I just want company, sometimes I just want to be alone. I can never be sure now what my body needs. I can never be sure now what my mind wants. It's like travelling into a dark tunnel and not being able to see yourself. How do you know you exist? How do u know u have a body, a physical presence. How do u seperate yourself from the dark? By imaginary light outlines you cannot see? By borders to yourself that you feel?
But anyway, a recap. This will be a very long post.
Had a marvellous time kayaking with Neuman and Alvin and Aileen and Rouan. It was really great fun to be back on a boat, to glide softly along the waters, deep in thought. I miss those days, the days on the kayak, feeling the insignificance of the self, enjoying the quiet of the sea, just realizing it's you and your companion, and talking freely about what comes to mind. I think I freaked Aileen by just talking. After all, I say the weirdest things and ask the weirdest questions at times. But I guess human interactions to me are just like water. The talk babbles forth, and it's not about what you say, or what you think. It's just this reflection with yourself, this "confession", this moment, when you drop your guard and just exist with the person with you.
It was funny rescuing Rouan, and realizing I lifted the boat the wrong way. So many critical details leave u when you're worried that 6 boats will come and capsize the whole party. Details details details. But at least we all had a great time splashing around in the water.
Emily's party rolled around, and I really felt quite happy making her present together with Ian and Hon Lyn and Liwei, later assisted by Rouan. We made her this nice box with photos and twine and beads. It's been a long time since I worked with other people on making things. Don't really get many opportunities to just sit down and do something mindlessly.
Em's party was great, tho I felt a little out of place partly cos I slept too little the night before. Couldn't really make conversations with people or do things. I enjoyed the food tho. Em's got really great cooks! Em's shoes were really nice too.
Sat, I bought my first jacket in my entire life, and it was the jacket I've been dreaming of all this while. A Gore-Tex jacket that I've always wanted to get, but could never bear to spend the money on, cos it's really expensive and impractical in Singapore. Really surprised my mum got it for me, but it's good cos i can acclimatize to it before I go on my trip to Europe (Hopefully). Got my wallet from Hon, who was really sweet in meeting me, even tho I was abotu an hour late for the meeting, cos my mum and I got lost driving to wheelock from chinatown.
Salsa was bad, cos i can't seem to get back the interest in it anymore. I don't know why, but it feels like i've lost my mojo for women, and dance. No one shows me things I haven't seen before in salsa. I don't feel the urge to work at those things anymore, even though barry has been sending around wonderful salsa videos of techniques, and I've been trying out the tricks thanks to the senior girls.
I think part of it is the stress of medicine. It's hard to explain. On the one hand, I'm more comfortable with the medicine people, having met a bunch of guys that i can really open my heart to. Yet some part of me still remains guarded to the people i don't feel all that comfortable with. It's a weird feeling that i hope to do away with. I really want to be comfortable with all people and not just some people. Perhaps it's just a problem of perception, maybe we're all the same.
Part of my current panic is due to the fact that i feel for the patients. I don't know about the rest of medicine, but it seriously disturbs me to do PBL or PDP. Because these cases are real... and I don't know how many people feel the same way as i do. Somehow to some people, we can be all charitable and go overseas to help the sick and needy, but the people who are really sick right before our eyes, we don't respect them or see them as just another case.
Everytime PDP rolls around and we research our cases, I just feel very upset and yet very touched by their willingness to share their precious last moments with inquisitive medical students. When what they deserve is the warmth of their families and their favourite hobbies. Do you understand what it means when the person you just met has acute renal failure? When he swells up like a balloon with lost of water inside him, and all some people care about is to put their fingers on his leg and see their indentations on his flesh. Or to wave their fingers around in the air and watch people with a stroke or brain tumour vainly try to follow that with their eyes.
It's true, I never wanted to be here. But I am here, for a whole host of reasons. For the friend that showed me charity and committed suicide. For the teachers that believed in me when i was convinced i could not do it, Twice. For the friends around me, who share with me their greatest fears, of not being able to dance ever again, or hold a pen, or walk, and let me touch them, examine them and see what exactly was wrong, even though I could never cure them. For the friends and family who allowed me to practice my massage and knowedge of anatomy to sooth their pains, causing them much frustration in the process. For those friends who will entrust themselves to me in the future, their unborn children, themselves, their careers and dreams. For the lecturers, who share their knowledge with us, and never scorn our silly questions or lack of reading up. For those strangers in the wards, who carry great burdens, great sorrow, yet always have time for our most probing questions, our weirdest requests.
Thank you guys!I will work harder.
Recovery and a day of Rest
Last night I had the weirdest sensation ever, when i lay down on my bed to sleep the night before, I felt so completely rested, it was as if a burden had been taken off my shoulders and light fingers came down and gently caressed my aching muscles.. it felt so good, i barely remembered it before drifting drifting away into sleep.
Today was a great day. Slept through two lectures. Uncle's Ginseng water didn't work at all. But luckily it was acid-base homeostasis, which i sort of understood thanks to Liyana's explanation.
First time the study group met today. Quite fruitful! Actually managed to do two tutorials in a day. Felt so accomplished and less stressed after that. But then realized when i got back to hall that there's really nothing to do... Talked to a few neighbours, and Geri over skype. Hey all my overseas friends! Yujing! I want to skype u too!
Met Bryan at the Library today haha, he's a really funny and good natured guy, together with kai xian and huiying.. Bryan's salsa steps are really damn good haha, but he's always so modest. can't wait to actually start giving him salsa tuition. haven't done that in a while.
I really cannot imagine myself being a free free person.. haha when i finally had free time tonight it was really some panic man.. Huiying was right... get to know everybody cos they're all unique and interesting :D
Stressed
I can't believe how stressed I am. Never ever before. I don't know if it's because I'm too packed, or all those repressed emotions finally catching up with me, or a new dorm room or what. But it's bad... It's bad it's bad it's baad.
My schedule. I give tuition on mon and thurs nights, salsa dance on wed, fri, sat, sun. Thinking of joining the weiqi club on tues nights. And on top of that I have to catch up with school lectures and read up before the practicals and tutorials. How I really wish I had more time!
It's like the opposite of NS. In NS you had to work regular hours, but after that, you had all the time in the world to blog and reflect.. But now, it seems like I don't even have time to blog, much less reflect.. And when I do, it's in such a rushed disjointed manner, and I can't even make conversation, so what I talk to people about is usually my feelings and stuff because I'm totally out of touch with the world!
I really wish I had one year to dream my dreams and do the necessary before going into medicine. Medicine is consuming my life.. And it doesn't help that 1st Professionals are in 4 mths time. I really want to grab my dreams while I still can. While I still have time. And if it'll kill me, I'll do it anyway. Just hope I've got friends who know what's really going on, and understand my crankiness at times, or utter silence. I'm really trying very hard, but I can't put in as much effort as people who are well rested and have caught up with their work.
Been annoyed also by little things, because I can feel that my body isn't managing the stress well.. It's starting to fall apart. My left ankle needs an ankle guard desperately cos everytime I dance and put my weight on it it hurts. And when I wake up in the mornings I limp around. My right hip too is screaming from the hip twists and stuff. The left ankle is dying because of the pirouettes that I'm supposed to master by March.
Had a really good time last weekend with the 3stans, kayaking and rollerblading, the girls really changed my opinion of women, because they learnt really fast, and were really strong types. I'm glad I saw that side of them. I think they saw the easterner side of me too. Quite sorry it was such a short thing, but I'm joining the canoe polo competition, so there's more chances of kayaking!
Dancing's going great, I'm making new friends among the dance scholars, and they're telling me about the differences between street jazz and ballet and lyrical jazz. Met Ivan from SP who's been working really hard to become a professional dancer, and he told me about the number of hours a day a professional has to put in to be really good. He's got a great dancer bod.. wish I'll get one someday. The ballet coach was a lawyer who decided to go into full time dance. He's stout but apparently very graceful... Built like a bodybuilder, dances like a bee.
Anyway, I'm glad that through all the tough times I've got a bunch of friends to tide me through.. Just dancing and meeting the dance people like porshee and salsa gang and the salsa fanatico people just takes the stress away. Drinking helps, though I'm trying to quit :P Geri's nice too, talking to me when I get online. Astee just visited me in my dorm yesterday and wrote me a really really nice birthday card that I'll keep for a loong time. Hope that no matter where she decides to study in the future we'll always be friends that will talk about anything and everything. Liyana amuses me and surprises me in school when we happen to meet, quite sorry that I haven't been smsing her or building a friendship much.. Maybe when the dust settles after the first week. 3stanis too, for being a bunch of people I can hang out and have fun with, tho I'm usually rushing around like a headless chicken in school, or zombified. Really grateful that I've got this bunch of friends to tide me through this adjustment period, and hopefully through the New Year!
Oh yes, the med people in dorm are also very nice for letting me join in their movie watching stuffs, even though I dont' know them really well yet. Christine, siva, pooja, david, evelyn, evelyn, qiantai, weiming, zihan, joachim. Glad we met before so we aren't strangers. And glad u guys are so helpful with my questions.
Yujing deserves a special mention for being the most active tagger! Haha JINGJINGJING! I haven't seen u in ages! MSN! E-mail!
Ok. Gotta go for PDP. More anatomy tomorrow with scary Prof Ling.
Birthday Party, Hugs, Farewells,.
Wow! What a weekend! Just had my birthday party on the 31st... Glad to meet all the people who turned up and heard all the interesting comments about my friends, and their presents! Porshee's blow up doll gift for Jin sheng, random free dancing around clarke quay and the countdowns made for lots and lots of laughs and happiness all around.
Haha I shall present a few awards for the people that turned up. And for those that couldn't make it, Happy New Year! Best wishes for 2006.
Mr Attractive:
Porshee!
Miss Attractive:
Maria (siblings' choice) They all thought she was really sweet
Sherry (relatives' choice) For her selfless cake cutting, and sweet smile
Judy the Blow Up Doll (Jin Sheng's choice)
Best Dancer:
Eddie! (at the salsa dances)
Ruifen! (at the pub showing her stuff :D )
Joyce! (at the pub too showing her own stuff :D)
Most unkempt dancer:
Me! (Remember to take stuff out of wallets next time :( )
Missed out dancer:
You yi! (He was too bz filming the birthday dance to come join in.)
Most boliao dancer:
Joyce and me! (For dancing in the middle of nowhere each time we waited for the group to catch up)
First to knock out:
Porshee (surprising!)
Last to knock out:
Eikfeng (I think)
Haha.. I'm sure I missed out some prizes for other people. Can suggest them in the tagboard! Anyway thank you Porshee, Eikfeng, Eddie, Cheryl, You yi, Maria, Jin Sheng Jingxiang, Chengyu, Mei Chin, Mingru, Ruifen, Junwan, Lawrence, Peter, Shihao, Joyce and Xiongping, for attending and your presents. Loved the teaset and the tennis bag Thanks uncles and aunties if you're reading this for your attendance and presents too! Loved the iPod Speakers! You guys really rock! And if I missed out anybody, sorry!
I really had a great time.. it's the happiest I've been in a very short time haha cos the last time was during Christmas. It's also the most number of hugs I've received in a long long time as well.. Hugs make me happy, and hugs from friends on your birthday, or near your birthday just feel so goood! Haha.. hugs from 6 different people over the course of a one night. Millions of handshakes! I wanted to HUUUG and GREEET the world last night. Crazy strangers meeting strangers. And somehow some of us become friends.
Gave people massages too! Haha I think I massage better when slightly tipsy. It's easier to hit the acupoints when u just put ur hand on the person and concentrate on finding it.
And first time I covered someone with a blanket! Woke up after knocking out and realizing that I've been using a comforter as a pillow. Kindly placed it on poor shivering Ruifen just because I'm in such a nice gentlemanly mood in the morning. Ahha.. I do the weirdest things when I'm not thinking straight.. Maybe a lack of inhibition is good sometimes...
Well.. hopefully I learn to let go...
I want to be carefree and happy :D!
I met someone who can read my thoughts.. and that's quite freaky because I can read hers too. But it's just one outing and nothing significant.. Just wondering how would friendships work between people who can always tell if the other person is lying, or being manipulative, or hiding something..
Somehow, I decided to be open instead of hiding what I truly feel. How does that work? If someone understands u that well... would you even bother trying to lie? What would a relationship based on understanding and truth be like? When it is impossible to lie.
I don't know... so much more time I have to figure all these things out. So much more time I have to learn from all these wonderful people around me! I want to be like all of you. To have a heart huge as the sun!
Have a great 2006 everybody...
Oh and geri's farewell was weird... quite a quiet and sombre affair. Hope she gets on well in Oregon!
