Yourself?

Alone Again, Naturally

Alone Again, Naturally
(Gilbert O'Sullivan)

In a little while from now,
If I'm not feeling any less sour.
I promised myself, to treat myself,
And visit a nearby tower ..........
And climbing to the top,
Would throw myself off,
In an effort to, make clear to whoever,
What it's like when your shattered .......
Left standing in a lurch,
In a church with people saying .....
My God, that's tough, she stood him up,
No point in us remaining .......
I may as well go home,
As I did on my own,
Alone again, naturally.

To think that only yesterday,
I was cheerful, bright and gay.
Looking forward to, and who wouldn’t do,
The role I was about to play.
But as if to knock me down,
Reality came around,
And without so much as a mere touch,
Cut me into little pieces.
Leaving me to doubt, all about God and His mercy,
Oh, if He really does exist,
Why did He desert me?
And in my hour of need,
I truely am, indeed,
Alone again, naturally.

It seems to me that there are more hearts,
Broken in the world that can’t be mended,
Left unattended, what do we do?
What do we do?

Now looking back over the years,
And whatever else that appears.
I remember I cried when my father died,
Never wishing to hide the tears.
At sixty-five years old,
My mother, God rest her soul,
Couldn’t understand why the only man,
She had ever loved had been taken.
Leaving her to start, with a heart so badly broken,
Despite encouragement from me,
No words were ever spoken.
And when she passed away,
I cried and cried all day,
Alone again, naturally .....
Alone again ................................. naturally.

Hmm kinda sleepless at 2.30am again, with this song running through my head. I just love the chord changes in this song, even though it's so infuriatingly hard to play. I actually fell in love with the Vonda Shepard version, because she sings it so much more emotionally, but I think Gilbert's aloofness is also another interpretation of it.

Been jamming with different people, I was just saying that I never really understood music until i started to play it with other people. It's just so strange playing music on my own. Listening to the recordings of us jamming, it's nice in a way, yet you can also be horribly critical on yourself. Frankly, the first time I heard myself on recording, I didn't know I sounded like that. At least my mum liked it. Mums are nice ego boosting things to have.

And so music and biochemistry have been taking over my life again. Meeting Fadhly again after so long (we were classmates in Secondary 1 and 2), reminded me of the different path I could have taken, playing together with Claire and hearing her emote her songs live, also showed me the gulf between her and me, between those who can really sing and really care, and those who just try to hold a tune.

I think I'm rambling. Forgive me because I haven't been regularly blogging and it's all going to come out in a meaningless chunk, unorganized.

I was tutoring my kids again, Colin and Benjamin, and teaching Colin how to write good paragraphs. And his English guide to story writing had this thing called Topic Sentences. Which was this thing I totally didn't get in Sec 1 and 2 myself, but I could explain it to him, this primary three kid, in terms that he could understand. How could I explain something I didn't even understand myself then, and how did I manage to understand it without thinking about it after so long. I think I'm still as foolish as I was then. Except in the past, being foolish was a matter of course. And in the present, being foolish is foolish.

Fadhly played an amazing series of fights with me at the Bugis arcade after the jamming session, and I could see all that concentration and practice in his moves. I started a few games to warm up, cos I'm not very familiar with fighting games, and he later revealed that he was analysing the way I played and adapted as I got more familiar with the character. Later, someone challenged him who played better than him and beat him, and he was all happy and pumped up by it. So much so that he didn't want to leave.

I was just thinking, that's how it is isn't it? We're all competitive creatures (me too, I hid some special combos to surprise him :P but he was better), and we work really hard to be the best. But sometimes we reach a level where we are so high above that nothing really excites us anymore. And to face competition at that level, is not something annoying, but genuinely motivating. Genuinely exciting, and something that one can never imagine cheating on.

I feel very lonely sometimes. Looking at all the things I've tried my hand at, I really wonder who I'm competing against at times. Am I competing at the highest level? Do I deserve to think of myself as being up there? And the answer is infuriatingly no. Listening to Queen on loop it kinda summarizes the feeling in my mind.

We are the champions - Queen

I've paid my dues -
Time after time -
I've done my sentence
But committed no crime -
And bad mistakes
I've made a few
I've had my share of sand kicked in my face -
But I've come through

We are the champions - my friends
And we'll keep on fighting - till the end -
We are the champions -
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions - of the world -

I've taken my bows
And my curtain calls -
You brought me fame and fortuen and everything that goes with it
-
I thank you all -

But it's been no bed of roses
No pleasure cruise -
I consider it a challenge before the whole human race -
And I ain't gonna lose -

We are the champions - my friends
And we'll keep on fighting - till the end -
We are the champions -
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions - of the world -

I'm trying my best to be that ideal competition. I want to be your best friend and your worst enemy. I want to challenge the whole human race! And I want us to win together!

It gives me a headache just thinking about it. But I do. I want to be a champion in all ways. I want to understand everything in this world and talk to everyone as intimately as possible about everything. My profession, and my choice of study and my interests don't define me at all. It is what I want to achieve and who I want to be that defines me. I am who I am and nothing less. And you who challenges me is nothing less either.

I really don't know what's the point of this post, but in my mind I have a mental picture that describes it. It's a picture of a log, and within this log, the soft insides are gradually eaten away by grubs, leaving a thin guitar like structure. And when this is finally done one day, and the guitar is what the log once was, the guitar will be strung and this guitar will roar.

I'm seriously not making sense. And I've forgotten quite a number of things again.

Maybe it comes down to what is life about.

Some people aim to "lose" as little as possible.
Some people aim to "give their all" to someone or something.
Some people aim to "please".
Some people aim to reach an arbitrary level of wealth
Some people aim to "be important"
Some people aim to be "wise"
Some people aim to be "happy"
Some people aim to make the people around them "happy"
Some people aim to "be the best at something"
Some people aim to "develop a philosophy"
Some people aim to "develop an emotion"
Some people aim to "connect with people"

And it goes on.

An impossible amount of arbitrary goals. Everyone's his own hero isn't it? In the end, we are all winners because we win by our own definitions. Everyone's a success in the end as long as they learn to raise themselves to a higher level or bring their inner bar down.

Is this the world we created

By Brian May and Andrea Corr. She's really hot, but it's quite disturbing the way she licks her lips when singing about food. Her singing is amazing. But Brian's guitar playing just shows his maturity and sensitivity... I wish there was more Freddie Mercury.

I don't know how to end this. So begone!

posted by Downhere. @ 2:09 am