Yourself?

Zennish moments

Well it's sort of like the calm before the storm I guess. After a bunch of really happy days doing all the physical activities I never got to do during the exam period, starting to feel and understand what being in a supportive group in medicine means again.

Just quit dance yesterday, to focus on the priorities, and it's just realizing how far behind I am with regards to medicine. I mean.. I'm probably the only medical student who doesn't know what being a doctor is like, not having had the experience of apprenticeships and attachments and not even sure of what to do after I graduate.

But yesterday I thought about it, and just looked at where my interests lay, and I really like medicine. I like the challenge. I like the community. I like the competition, and I like the whole open endedness of it all. I love the fact that it's all in the mind.

I love everyone! It's like a dark shadow that's left me. Once I decide on something I decide on something and that's the entire stubborness and total illogicality of my being.

I just spoke to Joanna over Hall Draw about religion and I realize after talking to her, maybe there isn't such a big difference between what I believe and what she believes after all. It's just how you make sense of what essentially is this confusing depressing world. She believes that the solution is through God and Jesus and Christ and Faith. I believe the solution is through observation and just a sense of waiting. She believes God only gives you things if you believe in him first. I believe that God or fate or whoever gives you things whether you believe in him or not.

There was this interesting point where it could have been really bad, but it ended all right due to her frankness and openmindedness. I said.. the idea of buddhist enlightenment is to be free of the needs and wants of the human existence, whereas Christianity starts with that need and that want and says it is all right. Lets revel in it and institutionalize it. And she said, everyone has a void in their hearts, which can only be filled with God, and it is the union between us and the hole in our hearts with God that fufills us. We were made to be that way. We were meant to form a relationship with God, and that involves going to Church and reading his word and reflecting upon it. And I said, after an entire lifetime of God, the hole is still there isn't it? We can never fill that neediness unless we renounce need. I forget the rest of the conversation,

But the main idea I got was... is it really important to deny what we were born to have in order to achieve an ideal (not being needy) or is it wiser to embrace our being's need for companionship and worship?

I was born to be who I am. And no matter what happens, I will be who I will be in the future. God was born to be who he is, and he will be who he's supposed to be in the future. Can we escape our fate? Can we leave our post and not do what we're supposed to do? I am gifted in some ways, and crippled in others. What he gives me and takes away from me defines my life and my entire existence. God is gifted in his own way, with his infinite power and infinite burden. But he is lonely too, for he has no equals. That too, defines his existence.

posted by Downhere. @ 11:06 am