Yourself?

Updates

Wow, it's been a long time since I last blogged. Somehow, finding the time to put things down on blogger becomes harder and harder each day. There are times now, when the pressure gets to me and I start hallucinating, start microsleeping and being totally conscious of it. Times when I feel this other side of me just struggling to get out. The part of me that says "Routine is evil! Do something else with your life!"

All in all, life has been great besides the periods of time where everything seems to stop working. I don't know anything anymore. The longer I study, the more I study, it seems, the less i know. I don't even know if this all is just one big illusion or not. Sometimes I'm tired beyond all hope, sometimes I feel like I can take on the world. Sometimes I just want company, sometimes I just want to be alone. I can never be sure now what my body needs. I can never be sure now what my mind wants. It's like travelling into a dark tunnel and not being able to see yourself. How do you know you exist? How do u know u have a body, a physical presence. How do u seperate yourself from the dark? By imaginary light outlines you cannot see? By borders to yourself that you feel?

But anyway, a recap. This will be a very long post.

Had a marvellous time kayaking with Neuman and Alvin and Aileen and Rouan. It was really great fun to be back on a boat, to glide softly along the waters, deep in thought. I miss those days, the days on the kayak, feeling the insignificance of the self, enjoying the quiet of the sea, just realizing it's you and your companion, and talking freely about what comes to mind. I think I freaked Aileen by just talking. After all, I say the weirdest things and ask the weirdest questions at times. But I guess human interactions to me are just like water. The talk babbles forth, and it's not about what you say, or what you think. It's just this reflection with yourself, this "confession", this moment, when you drop your guard and just exist with the person with you.

It was funny rescuing Rouan, and realizing I lifted the boat the wrong way. So many critical details leave u when you're worried that 6 boats will come and capsize the whole party. Details details details. But at least we all had a great time splashing around in the water.

Emily's party rolled around, and I really felt quite happy making her present together with Ian and Hon Lyn and Liwei, later assisted by Rouan. We made her this nice box with photos and twine and beads. It's been a long time since I worked with other people on making things. Don't really get many opportunities to just sit down and do something mindlessly.

Em's party was great, tho I felt a little out of place partly cos I slept too little the night before. Couldn't really make conversations with people or do things. I enjoyed the food tho. Em's got really great cooks! Em's shoes were really nice too.

Sat, I bought my first jacket in my entire life, and it was the jacket I've been dreaming of all this while. A Gore-Tex jacket that I've always wanted to get, but could never bear to spend the money on, cos it's really expensive and impractical in Singapore. Really surprised my mum got it for me, but it's good cos i can acclimatize to it before I go on my trip to Europe (Hopefully). Got my wallet from Hon, who was really sweet in meeting me, even tho I was abotu an hour late for the meeting, cos my mum and I got lost driving to wheelock from chinatown.

Salsa was bad, cos i can't seem to get back the interest in it anymore. I don't know why, but it feels like i've lost my mojo for women, and dance. No one shows me things I haven't seen before in salsa. I don't feel the urge to work at those things anymore, even though barry has been sending around wonderful salsa videos of techniques, and I've been trying out the tricks thanks to the senior girls.

I think part of it is the stress of medicine. It's hard to explain. On the one hand, I'm more comfortable with the medicine people, having met a bunch of guys that i can really open my heart to. Yet some part of me still remains guarded to the people i don't feel all that comfortable with. It's a weird feeling that i hope to do away with. I really want to be comfortable with all people and not just some people. Perhaps it's just a problem of perception, maybe we're all the same.

Part of my current panic is due to the fact that i feel for the patients. I don't know about the rest of medicine, but it seriously disturbs me to do PBL or PDP. Because these cases are real... and I don't know how many people feel the same way as i do. Somehow to some people, we can be all charitable and go overseas to help the sick and needy, but the people who are really sick right before our eyes, we don't respect them or see them as just another case.

Everytime PDP rolls around and we research our cases, I just feel very upset and yet very touched by their willingness to share their precious last moments with inquisitive medical students. When what they deserve is the warmth of their families and their favourite hobbies. Do you understand what it means when the person you just met has acute renal failure? When he swells up like a balloon with lost of water inside him, and all some people care about is to put their fingers on his leg and see their indentations on his flesh. Or to wave their fingers around in the air and watch people with a stroke or brain tumour vainly try to follow that with their eyes.

It's true, I never wanted to be here. But I am here, for a whole host of reasons. For the friend that showed me charity and committed suicide. For the teachers that believed in me when i was convinced i could not do it, Twice. For the friends around me, who share with me their greatest fears, of not being able to dance ever again, or hold a pen, or walk, and let me touch them, examine them and see what exactly was wrong, even though I could never cure them. For the friends and family who allowed me to practice my massage and knowedge of anatomy to sooth their pains, causing them much frustration in the process. For those friends who will entrust themselves to me in the future, their unborn children, themselves, their careers and dreams. For the lecturers, who share their knowledge with us, and never scorn our silly questions or lack of reading up. For those strangers in the wards, who carry great burdens, great sorrow, yet always have time for our most probing questions, our weirdest requests.

Thank you guys!

I will work harder.

posted by Downhere. @ 6:04 pm