Yourself?

Never Let Me Go

It's on days like this when the horror of your existence descends upon you and grips you. There is nothing left to do. Nothing more that can be done.

I took a long think today, just sitting at the office looking at the pages of the book When We Were Orphans, and exploring someone else's worldview for a while. And the result of my thoughts were that really, we live for no real purpose.

After analyzing myself, I see myself doing all these activities to "keep myself busy", to do "something I enjoy". But do I really need all these activities? Am I not doing these activities just to kill time?

It's like school is the killer of childhoods. But what kind of childhoods would we have had without school? Where does one learn to find pleasure? We live in a world of illusions. The pleasure that we seek is in our minds. The respect and recognition of other people are as illusory as smoke, and as transient. Our inner selves are insatiable. Our stomachs, our minds, our groins. Will there ever be a day when they are satisfied?

Never Let Me Go suggests that if we knew how long our lifetimes would be, we would find living meaningless. Is that true? Would you bother to put in effort to live? To learn? To integrate yourself into social circles? Or spend your lives earning boatloads of money? How would you lead your lives if from the day you were born, everyone around you, and you yourself, knew that you were to die when you reach 30.

What's the purpose of all this pain and misery in the world? Why do we try when we die eventually no matter what? Perhaps we should enjoy our time in the sun when there are centuries of soil waiting for us beneath our feet. Perhaps there is nothing better to do than spend your lives in the service of a "higher" goal, be it Religion, Race, Nationality.

Perhaps it's better to live a lie, and face the truth when you die.

This brings me to Buddhism. What does it actually say about the meaning of life? I remember this monk telling me that everything is empty. I realize it now rationally, I think I do realize it emotionally. But how many people actually do? How many people out there need to believe in something? How many people out there need to perform rituals, dances, sacrifices to satisfy their ego's need to do something?

I guess when you strip it down to that, when you strip it down to the ego, and the belief of one's self importance in life. Maybe, just maybe I'll learn to give up my ego. I wonder if I will be happier that way. I wonder if happiness as a feeling could ever be found again.

After all, once you realize the truth of the meaninglessness, how can anything you do be meaningful?

posted by Downhere. @ 2:04 pm