blog*spot
get rid of this ad | advertise here
You can link to other sites that you like here

Other sites

Ariella~ - Balderdash - Hobbit! Daphne

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Taking a break

When things spiral out of control, all it takes is a deep breath to bring it all into focus again.

I haven't written on Jugs in ages. Part of it is due to my lack of time with studies and dance, part of it is due to the accessibility of Facebook from my iPhone, and part of it is due to having great friends that I can tell anything to, and trust that they'll keep my thoughts in confidence, forgive my indiscretions and are generous enough to not get offended by my frankness. Yet when the day winds down, and I've pushed everything distracting in my life away, sitting down to think a while, to myself, to put my thoughts into words with all the freedoms that I've lost (with regards to number of words, and amount of space), and all the time I've never had, I find so much to say that I couldn't previously. I have so much to say that I could never have put into words for another listener. Yet here, I can use all the words I want, and express the finer points of what I have to say, without fear that I may be misconstrued, or that I've been too bombastic for my readers.

Days seem to form sections of time that spiral along. One section of time in my life is eerily similar to another that I may have experienced before. My troubles are not new troubles. They are poltergeists, ghosts of the past that exert power over my present, shifting my reality. It must come from a fundamental flaw of mine. History always repeats for men who fail to learn their lessons, and I'm no exception. But I'm starting to realize that the nature of this fundamental flaw is innate in my consciousness, that it comes from my consciousness itself, my sensitivities and my desires.

Consciousness is the source of my ideas. The act of living is the act of constant juxtaposition between past and present. Comparison drives our lives, and experience gives rise to ideas that guide our futures. The conception of a series of thoughts (i.e. Logic/Emotion) is the clearest thing for us to perceive, but it is the hardest thing to share with someone else. Countless beautiful things I've thought up in my mind, that I am unable to share with the same clarity with someone else. And countless more ideas I've received, from famous poets and famous writers and famous musicians, and not so famous people around me, which are only a trifle of the immensity of their original conception. And yet, all around us, these trifles are held to be the standards that we SHOULD aspire to.

Communication isn't my strong point, and perhaps for some people, they have the ability to arouse most of their conception in another person (through whatever delivery mechanism). But the written word is all I have to get my ideas out. Sometimes I think mathematics or a programming language would be far more helpful, or even logical symbolism, so that we can debate/argue points cogently, yet any technical language would require another person equally conversant, and concepts not within the language would be hard to represent and integrate. Words are vague, but they will have to do if they can be clearly defined.

I don't know if I'm asking too much, if I just hope to meet a person whom i can converse with and understand at a similar level. I'm writing this because I'm tired. I'm tired of having to use words that are generally understood, to share ideas that could be better expressed with the whole palette of communication that exists among the human race.

I can't live like this anymore. I can't keep thinking and not sharing. But there's no point sharing if there's no one who understands. Hello world? Can you hear me?

1 Comments:

At 11:20 am, Blogger Geraldine said...

some people hear but do not answer :)

 

Post a Comment

<< Home