Yourself?

My Deck

I've forgotten how much I could use. After the initial euphoria of a new laptop, it's beaten into submission again. Settling down and slowing down into the sort of companion I could use for life. It's really a whole host of emotions when I sat down at the MacBook Pro.

Like I've grown somewhat, like meeting an old friend again. It's a sort of crack, but it comes at the right time, this time when I need it most. All those things we used to do in the computer labs, those were days of passion. Just sharing common interests. Now, days are rather dull. You no longer have time for the exciting ideas, that next marvellous breakthrough.

Everything's so structured like a stepping stone to success. You walk and walk and walk.

Recently emotions have been up and down. It's the stress of studying, but I love sitting down and really putting my mind into it. Somehow, I can see myself getting faster the moment I got my laptop. I think me and my laptop are symbiotic. If one fails, the other's life is just miserable.

Someone said I've been splurging alot on toys lately. I think so too. Somehow all the things I've been buying lately are so expensive. I know my parents are working hard making the money, and I envy all those other people who can complete their jobs with pen and paper.

But I need something that follows the pace of my thinking. I need something that works as fast and as hard as I do when I'm working. I don't take breaks when I need something done, and I don't need something that fights with me.

I just read a few posts in the history of my blog. Some of the posts are so raw and so naive I could feel myself blush. But just reading them again brings back the memories into focus. Looking upon it as an older person, part of me realizes that what I feel is horror, but part of me also realizes that I'm envious. I'm envious that youth lies in those unrepressed, powerful FEELINGS.

Nothing is that beautiful.

posted by Downhere. @ 7:21 pm