Yourself?

Valentine's Day

This year's valentine's day seemed a little weird, like a little spirit was lacking or something, someone, somewhere. Pieces were just all jumbled up in my mind, people, places, timelines as I walked around the places we all frequented.

Alone, together, alone again. As I walk down the corridors, I felt the world change, certain memories, certain groups of friends, certain friends. In certain shops, looking for certain things. Unconsciously, as I ambled aimlessly among the corridors of Takashimaya, I walked through the places in my memory.

As I was peeing, the whole thing that I've put in the back of my head, floated into my consciousness for a brief second. I wished I could have blogged then. I went looking for pen and paper at Kinokuniya. I decided not to buy a notebook.

When did I last write with a notebook on pen and paper? When was the last time my diary was actually written on a physical medium? When did I stop writing and start typing? Into a medium I cannot touch, smell, taste or feel. An invisible form, visible only to my eyes through a medium. A computer, guardian of my mind.

When did truth and lies blur in my head? When did I take the path I'm taking? Who am I protecting? From whom? When did the reality that was so cut and dried morph into a meaningless tumble that I can't seem to unravel.

I really need to talk, because I've cut all the threads that tie me to reality. When you accept that you don't know anything at all, when you accept that most people don't know anything at all. Sometimes all you need is a moment of conviction with someone, someone who believes the world works the way it should work. A harbour, an oasis, on the lonely path to truth. Or what I hope is truth.

I don't know who I am anymore. If I ever knew who i was in the first place. It's like Infernal Affairs. When you play a character for years and years, how do you go back to who you were? How do you know that you've not become your character by force of habit. How do you know you were you before, and not the you your character thinks you were.

I'm stuck. I went to Kino today to look for something to spend my voucher on. I went to the Weiqi section, to look for books and the price of weiqi boards. I went to the art section to look for dance and nude and fashion photography. I went to the product design place to look for books on design. I went to the chinese art section to look for chinese paintings on women and weiqi. I went to the Medical books section and picked up Gray's Anatomy. I went to the english lit section to look for good reads. I went to the chinese lit section to finally pick up my book.

I went all around Kino, but I couldn't find me. A few million books, and I didn't know which one I'm in.

In the recesses of my mind, as the wind blew through my hair, the thing just started over and over again. The thing that i've just described to you. The recurring fear of forgetting who I am, the constant fear of losing myself as the autopilot of daily life kicks in. The autopilot of class, work, dance, socialize, class, work, dance.

I hate being alone. I hate not having something on my schedule. It really messes with my mind.

Everything I know, I learnt from Magic: The Gathering. You know, in the past, when I was resource strapped, and everyone else had better cards or spent more than me on the game, the only path to victory was to break the rules.

You look for the assumptions in the enemy's thinking, the rules that they were counting on, and you broke them to win. I took away their land (resources), I took away their threats (direct damage, armageddon/wrath of god), I took away their options (cards in hand). I would win for a while, but in the end, I always lost, because people knew that I would be targetting that part of their plan, and those who challenged me, invariably, were those who took into consideration the "weakness" I was targetting.

Eventually, the more I won, the less fun I got out of the game.

The thing is, I noticed myself moderating myself in order to put fun back into the game. Instead of playing something that would win 80% of the time against most opponents, I designed something that would win maybe 50% or 60% percent of the time. I would choose suboptimal configurations, funky cards, as a sort of handicap.

Now which is right? Should I try my best, or should I look for balance?

I think people live by pretty much the same principles in life. Some people go all out to win, but when they win, they forget what the purpose of winning was. Some people go all out to win 50% of the time, but are they really testing themselves?

I don't know now... how I'm supposed to play, what I'm supposed to do. Am I mediocre because I am, or because I planned to be? If I won, did I win because I had an unfair advantage, or because I was lucky. If I lost, did I lose because I didn't want to win?

Somehow, winning and losing lost it's importance along the way. Somehow, along with it, I lost my motivations. Somehow, winning and losing is like truth and lies. Somehow, truth and lies don't seem to matter anymore.

If you can never be sure what you're telling is the truth, how can you be sure you're not lying. I don't want to lie to people who believe that I'll speak the truth. How can I be sure I won't like in order to get what I want? If I got what I want, will the person whom I did or did not lie to, be upset if it turns out I lied?

Have a Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

posted by Downhere. @ 9:23 pm