Yourself?

I have no mouth. But I must scream.

I don't know what I've been doing lately. I mean.. basically I haven't been doing anything at all. I've been reading and reading and reading, and thinking and dreaming and feeling woefully emotional. Emotions are the evolved response to deal with stresses in a humourous way.

But the real problem is.. I don't know I don't know I don't know.

I wish I was young again. Back then, stories and myths and fantasies and dreams and folktales and customs all ran together in a mess. Stories of festivals and Christmas and great things people did in the past and now. The thought of being great. The work, following my own compass, keeping in touch with computers, with literature, with philosophy, with even medicine..

But it's all a touch! How I wish I always lived in that false illusion that new discoveries came like clockwork. 13 turns in Civilization 3 and you'd have researched Monarchy. 56 turns to a Great Library. You never know how long it'll take you unless you know where you're going.

And I don't know where I'm going. Day by day, I sit by my console, and monitor what the world is doing. Wars here, tsunamis there, the latest breakthroughs in LCDs, semiconductors, amplifiers, latest hugo award winners, neubla, booker prizes. Movies worth watching or not. Papers.

It's all become routine. And routine is the enemy of innovation.

How does one become great? When the whole world says gastric ulcers are due to stress and not helicobacter pylori. When the whole world says the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. When the whole world is against you, and you too are against yourself, because of that desire to conform, to confirm what people have found true, and are happy to "know" something true at last...

How do you break free from that prison of what you "know". How do you escape? Why should you break free. Why do you want to shatter the illusions and pride of those who "know"?

First the how, then the why...

I don't know where I'm going, I don't know what I'm doing and why. I'm just straining ... I'm not straining. I'm not moving. Why.

posted by Downhere. @ 12:44 pm