Yourself?

I feel disjointed.

The past drags on my mind, claws screeching a mournful song as talons dig into my sanity. I’m not sure where I am now, not sure what I am. National Service does that to you. It takes all that you found familiar, all those sights and sounds, thoughts and feelings, and stamps a big “PAST” on them. As you walk down streets, lanes, what you once were is no longer who you are. All the things you took for granted. The air that you breathe, the sounds that you hear, the attitudes you bring around. They change.

And I find myself unable to change.

I miss walking with random friends at Buona Vista to school. I miss dining with people I know and love and still cherish for lunches and dinners. I miss the teachers, the classrooms the schools. I miss the crazy activities after school, miss playing with classmates. Miss running. I even miss studying. Habits that you’ve held for 6 odd years of your life are hard to break.

But more than that. I’m afraid. I’m unsure. I’m drunk (that is right now. A little confused.)

I am going nowhere in my life. I am forced to move directionlessly. Or rather just to stay put in time. There are so many places I want to go. So many people I want to see, so many activities and challenges and happenings for me to experience.

Perhaps I should really take a break now. Reassess my life, slow down the pace. Look far.

Will you be there in my future? You there reading this. Or are you just going to stay in my past?

When you need help one day, would you accept mine?

When you see me in the streets, would you say hi?

If you see my name one day in the papers, would you come look for me? Would you support me?

Are you reading this because it is entertainment for you? Because you derive pleasure from gossiping about me, and want to make sure I’m not gossiping about you?

Are you reading this because you believe you’re a friend of mine, and you ought to know about what I’m thinking? What I’m doing?

I have told certain people I miss them. And it is true. I miss them because they are such a big beautiful chunk of the world I live in. I miss them because I know some of them don’t want to see me, some of them don’t even want to know me. But I will still tell you I miss you nevertheless. Maybe only once. But at least I know that this once in my life, I’ve told you how important you are to me. How your deeds have left such a deep impression. How your work has been appreciated.

I am selfish. It is my peace of mind I’m working for here.

And what peace isn’t it? Better the last line in our book written by me. Better that I need not close it.

Hoping that one day we will all give praise and thanks to the ones that have done the most for us. Hoping that we’ll see each other’s end.

posted by Downhere. @ 11:44 pm