Yourself?

Justina

I guess Justina never really left me. She calls to me from time to time, and my mind just replays her, replays all that she's done, what she represents, what she tells me.

Was just thinking about the impermanence of life, the RJ that I know is going to be pulled down soon, rebuilt somewhere else, the friends that I know, gone overseas, some strange foreign place, with strange foreign tales. And thought about the big wide world, and how the world not only has a huge huge area, it also has a past and a future.

Justina lies in the past now, and we will sooner or later join her. But what was really amazing about her, was that she lived all 18 years of her life fruitfully, with purpose, and enriched us all in the process. She gave me a slice of her limited time. Almost a full year of her entire existence. 1/18. Would you give that large a slice of your life to any single person? Would you give 4/18ths of your life helping the poor elderly, the unloved, the forgotten?

I dread living my life knowing full well, that by my very own existence, I devalue the gift that I have given others. Huge chunks of my time dwindle to bits and pieces of caked dust lining the shelves of memory. What I used to love, used to be obsessed over becoming only footnotes in a long book. A long monotonous story, like the others who lived long monotonous lives.

I want to give more of myself to people. But people tend to only accept so much before they feel suspicious, before they feel conflict, jealousy, before they start to leave you because you gave them too much, and you gave others too much, and you left none for yourself.

I don't want to live aimlessly. I want to give as much as I can to everyone I meet. I want to tell them, that someone out there appreciates all that you've done, that they will be remembered, that they deserve a significant chunk of my life.

But my life, with it's length, is essentially devoid of value. And human existence, and the struggle against death, but only dilutes what makes us human. She could bear to give slices of her life to us. I only hope people would accept a small slice of mine.

posted by Downhere. @ 11:25 pm