Yourself?

Based on my hypothesis, I conclude that I've never really loved someone.

I'm not a man that gets easily jealous. I don't know why... but its just that way. There's nothing important enough to get jealous over, especially if its something transient like fun. I suppose I loved Joy Kwek once, cos I had a dream that she went out in a car with some ACS guys. And I intensely disliked her afterwards. I suppose that's jealousy. A dream being a wish your heart makes. But did I really love Joy? I remember vividly waking up after I had the dream and telling Joy that I'll be terminating this friendship because of a dream. I'm weird ain't I? Believing in the stuff of dreams, and how they'll affect my life?

But I suppose, being male, where emotions are somewhat out of your grasp, dreams are a place where emotions have utmost clarity. And dreams are real, as much as the world is real, both being a manifestation of thought.

I haven't dreamed this week. Snippets of things I call hallucinations, but nothing like a "real" dream. It's been nice going out with Geraldine, and maybe, reality has become a sort of dreamscape. Maybe, the death of dreams, reflects its birth in daily life, that my emotional self has no more needs, and thus no more wishes.

I don't think life is precious. And I don't think life is unimportant either. Life is life. To treasure the moment, is to cherish the past at the expense of the present and the future. I suppose there's really nothing to be treasured. If something happens I'll help them, even though it may mean losing my life. I suppose its just the way I've been programmed, or the sort of way I've been brought up. I just help people as much as i can in critical times, at times when people cannot cope, such that we all survive. The survival of myself is meaningless if everything I hold dear is destroyed. The survival of others if I am destroyed is also meaningless to me. But my death would hold great meaning to those who survives.

posted by Downhere. @ 8:01 pm